scared

*** Please note this post is not an indication of my not feeling good or that I’ve had a few bad days. In fact I feel great and thankfully I’ve had a string of really good days. ***

I wish I could tell you that I’m a brave patient. You know the one who soldiers on with a stiff upper lip, tons of resolve and a sunny disposition to boot? Yeah, I’m not that person.

It’s 6 weeks since my surgeries and I’ve grown weary of being “sick”. I don’t want to have to ask Chuck to do laundry for me or pick up something I’ve dropped. I don’t want to have to worry about being around too many people for fear of germs. I don’t want to face the stinkin’ kid who stared at me as mass let out last week.

I’m tired of being afraid. I had an episode (TIA) while I was in the hospital, that caused my mouth to droop and for me to be unable to speak correctly for a few minutes. There’s the possibility that it could never happen again and there’s the possibility that it could. I live in mortal terror that it will. Every twitch, every flinch, every everything terrifies me. My panicked thoughts immediately go to, “Is my mouth okay? Can I talk? Can I touch my nose with my eyes closed?”

I suffered from and battled a considerable amount of anxiety while I was in the hospital and the rehab. I was scared the dye from the CAT scan would cause an allergic reaction, I was afraid it would hurt or worse yet my head would bleed when they took the dressing off my head. I was afraid to be alone. Toward the end of my stay at Innova (rehab) I’d grown weary of the IV I received 3 times a day. I’d spend the half hour suffering, desperate to be unhooked again. I was even scared for the pic line to come out for fear that I’d bleed profusely from that artery now that I was on blood thinners. The more my health improved/improves the more I feared/fear something would/will happen to derail my progress.

It’s exhausting to live in fear that something is going to happen. It’s overwhelming when I think ahead to cancer treatments (radiation) and the unknown that lies ahead.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you about my amazing family.