oncologist

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Day 131

O. My. God. I’m feeling awfully damn pissy tonight. I got up at 5:30am. I left the house at 7:30am for an 8:30am appointment, wasn’t even seen by the doctor until at least 9:30am, spent 5 mins with said doctor. Got a call at noon telling me that the radiation machines were down and that the computers weren’t working so there’d be no radiation treatments today and was rescheduled for yet another afternoon appointment tomorrow. It’s not the cancer that’s going to kill me, it’s the effing annoyance and frustration of waiting and making and breaking and shuffling appointments. Damn it! Don’t they know I’m a creature of habit with control freak tendencies?

The good news is my head looking good. It’s skinned over but the skin is still thin, it still needs to toughen up. (oh yeah, insert your jokes here) God willing If all goes well I don’t need to see Dr. Matthews again until July, which God also willing is after my radiation treatments are scheduled to end. She also said that I should leave it uncovered more and no longer need the Xeroform dressing and bandage all the time. She said as long as I keep it moisturized I should be fine. To keep it moisturized I bought some Aquaphor at Target tonight. Aquaphor is what the radiation folks recommend for treating radiation burns anyway and it made by the folks who make the moisturizer I use everyday (Eucerin Calming Cream).

It’s almost midnight and I’m physically exhausted and emotionally drained. With any luck tomorrow will bring my second radiation treatment and everything will be back on track. I’m so disappointed that now my treatments will go until the day after Tommy’s birthday. June 21 would have not only been Tom’s birthday but also the 6 month anniversary of my last appointment with Dr. Bussey where we found out that the blot was no longer in my brain. *sigh* June 21 just seemed to represent so much good karma. I’m trying to hold it together and not let myself get bogged down in semantics of it all.

Thank you all so much for stopping by every day to read and comment. I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Day 116


I look healthy in today’s photo. I feel good too. My eye has finally cleared up, my cold is mostly gone and I slept from about 2am until about 6am this morning, unmedicated and undisturbed. Don’t mind the tank top, it’s been unseasonably warm here the past two days.

I have a story to tell you that I actually should have told you on Easter Sunday night. As you know I’m very very scared about my upcoming radiation treatments. Well it rained Easter Sunday evening and afterwards I went outside in search of a rainbow to photograph. Lo and behold there was one. It was faint and hard to see but it was there. I can think of no better sign than a rainbow in the sky on Easter Sunday evening to prove that everything is going to be okay. Every time the worries creep in to my head I try to remember the rainbow and the beautiful sky after the brief rain on Easter Sunday evening.

I've edited this photo so you can better see the rainbow.

The clearing western sky was gorgeous. It made me think of paintings depicting the resurrection.

As much anxiety and worry and fear that I’ve dealt with throughout this process there have been equal moments of peace and serenity. My friend Angel always says to listen to the universe. Well I’m choosing to listen to the rainbow and golden sunshine on this day of rebirth to see me through the frightening 2 months to follow.

Thank you so much for stopping by every day to read and comment. I say it daily but that makes it no less true, I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Days 114 and 115

I’m back. Don’t mind the one slightly swollen but much better eye. It’s nice to not wake up with my eyes glued shut and all the other grossness that went along with having my first case of pink eye. Ewwww …. I will say the antibiotic eye drops worked wonders.

My cold has pretty much cleared up as well so I’m feeling pretty good tonight even if it is ridiculously hot for April 25. I hope to stay healthy between now and the end of my radiation treatments. I’d like to go in to them as strong and as fit as possible. I’m scared. I’m very very scared. I find myself envious of those who have to endure the misery of chemo solely because they can have people sitting with them as they go through their treatments. It’s ridiculous and childish but I am. As I’ve told you so many times before, my family is a force to be reckoned with. I haven’t been at almost any point during this journey. The scariest stuff is always the procedures and tests I have to go through alone; CAT scans, the MRI, the biopsy, the sims, and the radiation treatments. Chuck (my husband) has been with me every step of the way. He’s never been further away than the waiting room and that gives me comfort. My father volunteered to come down the day of the MRI and sit in the waiting room too. My brother sat in my hospital room on one of the nights that I was not awake and was just there with me. I wasn’t alone even when I didn’t know I wasn’t alone.

I can’t imagine walking in to that room on May 9th alone and being brave enough to lay on that table and let them shoot radiation into my head. I sincerely don’t know how people do it. I can’t imagine going through any of this alone. I’ve been trying to come up with reasons why I shouldn’t do it but the Oncologist told me that if the cancer were to come back it would not spare brain matter this time. So I suppose I’ll walk into the room on May 9th and let them shoot radiation in to my head in the hopes that it will not come back.

Well I think I’ve emptied my head enough to you all tonight. Thank you so much for stopping by every day to read and comment. I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Days 111, 112, and 113

I’m sorry for my absence. I’m heartbroken that I broke my daily posting promise. I really wanted this to be a daily chronicle of where I am and how I’m feeling. If truth be told I’m feeling kind of crappy right now. I woke up Thursday morning with one eye glued shut. I went to see my primary care doc before heading to the hospital for my sim appointment. As it turns out I have pink eye in both eyes. She said this is most likely a secondary infection caused by the cold I’ve had all week and gave me antibiotic drops to use. So now I’m taking an antibiotic to clear up the original respiratory infection, cough medicine to loosen my cough and antibiotic eye drops to clear up the pink eye. *laughs* You can’t make this stuff up. Oh well, I’ll live.

The sim appointment went well. This new Oncologist changed the position I’ll be in during treatments so I’ll be more comfortable. The first plan would have had me laying face down with my hands underneath me this new plan has me on my back. I’m more comfortable and less anxious in this position. I have another run through in two weeks and then my treatments will start on May 9th. I’m scared to death but I’m glad to finally be moving forward and hopefully seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you so much for stopping by every day to read and comment. I love you all. Hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow with a photo.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Day 110

I’m sick, disgusted, irritated and annoyed. On top of my runny nose I now have a red, goopy, hot eye that I’ll probably have to have looked at before seeing the Oncologist tomorrow for my sim appointment. I honestly want to cry. I’m feeling very woe-is-me so I’m going to keep tonight’s post short & not-so-sweet also.