Day 355

Hola kiddies! I’m sorry this blog is being blogged in the middle of the night. I was tired and ended up sleeping before I managed to post today’s missive. Rest assured the photo is actually from Wednesday, December 21. I took it when we came home from wandering around Target looking for Christmas gifts.

This morning I had a visit from my very nice home care nurse, Anne Marie. She as well as all my other docs is happy with the way my head is healing so I’m happy. I was exhausted from my long day yesterday so I slept all day today so I was glad for the opportunity to get out and walk around for a while tonight. We didn’t find much but we were both surprised at the lack of people wandering around our Target. We have 18 people to buy for so it’s gift bags for everyone this year. We’re both broke and out of time so individual gifts are a no go this year, but I have to tell you I’m having fun putting together the gift bags. They  might not be much but a lot of time and love and thought have gone into putting them together. I started shopping for the bags before my surgery on December 1st and we’re now just getting back into the swing of Christmas shopping. All this long meandering ramble to tell you we were out tonight and didn’t get home until almost 11pm. I dozed off to sleep and now here I am at 2:35am typing this missive to you.

I’m going to end this here and try to get back to sleep. Thanks for stopping by today. I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

Day 354

It was my birthday today. I also had an appointment with my oncologist this afternoon. I know. A fun way to spend your birthday, right?

Since Chuck is out of hours at work my dad took me over to see Dr. Hughes. I spent the morning at mom’s napping and eating cookies. (Entenmann’s Madelines) It was good to see my nurse Pat and Dr. Hughes. I genuinely like everyone over there in Radiation Oncology department, which made the idea of having an appointment with my oncologist on my birthday less crappy.

Thankfully there was good news to be had all around. She is happy with how my head is healing, I passed all my neurological tests, she says I’m doing well and I don’t have to be back to see her for 2 whole months. Yay! In even better news I don’t need to have any scans before my appointment in February. I asked her about how often I’ll have to be monitored and checked now that the October scans showed no evidence of tumor. She said maybe every 4 months or so. We will talk more about this and she’ll decide if I need an MRI to establish a baseline (there will be changes from this last surgery) at my appointment in February.

Before I go back to see Dr. Hughes in February I have to make an appointment and see Dr. Bussey, who is my neurosurgeon. Dr. Hughes said that she, Dr. Matthews and Dr. Bussey are all part of my team and each plays their own role so I’ll have to see him too. *pout* I was hoping to never see him again. Don’t get me wrong, he’s brilliant and he saved my life and I’d recommend him to anyone who needed a neurosurgeon but let’s just say he’s not exactly warm and fuzzy. He scares me. *shiver* I think I’ll hold off on making this appointment until after Christmas. I can live without knowing whether or not he thinks I need an MRI before I see him. I’m developing a serious fear of IVs and needles now that people seem to be unable to find a vein to use. (my bruises have bruises)

I also have to start walking, 20 minutes each day per Dr. Hughes’ orders. Anyone want to be my walking buddy?

All in all it was a good birthday. I’m cancer free, my head is healing well, I don’t have to be back to see Dr. Hughes until February and the hubs treated me to take out spaghetti from the Olive Garden, he also brought me home carrot cake cupcakes from Brown Betty (my favorite) and the kitties gave me the nicest birthday card, I spent the day with mom and dad, and I had more than 30 birthday messages on Facebook today. I’m alive, well, cancer free and on the mend. You can’t ask for more than that. I am indeed blessed beyond measure. Thanks so much for stopping by. I love you all.

With Much Love & Great Affection,

~ Carol Anne

Day 353

Day 352

I’ve started to read over this last year’s worth of blogs. I’m working on a year end wrap up and a retrospective of my best photos of 2011. I started reading last night and continued throughout today. The one thing that stood out to me as I read was nowhere in this year’s blogs do I sound weak. It was surprising to me to read back because in my mind I’ve been whimpering, weak, shell of a person. I was surprised as I read that in fact I was not weak.

I started this 365 Days project so that I would learn to love the woman looking back in the mirror and I can 100% tell you that I did not accomplish this goal. I’ll try again next year. However, I also chose to write about my illness and all that went with being a cancer patient. This aspect of the project started back in 2010 when I first got out of the hospital as a way to focus and center myself. It continued and threaded its way through the 365 Days project. I chose to be up front and honest and tell the good, the bad and the ugly. As I read back I realized that I’d been brave and scared and grateful and angry and anxious and strong. I’ve had moments of intense fear and intense joy. I’ve had epic meltdowns and I’ve managed to pull myself together and get back in the game each time. I’ve been both at my best and at my worst but at no time have I been weak. That right there is the benefit of this project, I may not have learned to love my appearance and maybe I never will but in reading back I saw myself in a different light.

I AM NOT WEAK • I SURVIVED

I’ll be back in a few days to write a better year-end wrap up and photo retrospective but for now I’ll just say thank you for reading. I love you all.

With Much Love and Great Affection,

~ Carol Anne

Day 349

I got cocky with the painkillers again today and paid the price. I’m a stubborn mule and don’t like to be dependent on anything so I try to do without and end up setting myself back a few days. I told Chuck that I need reminders every 6 hours or so to take my painkillers because when left to my own devices I’m my own worst enemy.

I’m looking forward to a visit from a friend tomorrow so I’m in good spirits despite tonight’s discomfort. I can’t wait for an afternoon with a good friend and a tasty Einstein bagel. Until tomorrow …

~ Carol Anne