I know people mean well and so they say that scars add character or scars fade (some don’t) or it’s better to be scarred than have cancer. I know they all mean well and that no one knows the exact right thing to say but no one but me has to look in the mirror. This is my 7th surgery over the past 4 years and from those 7 surgeries I’ve lost my hair, the ability to wear a wig, the full use of my left shoulder, and have now gained a big noticeable scar right there in the middle of my face. I’ve lost so much and so much damage has been done to me, it’s overwhelming.

I’m so grateful to God to be cancer-free and the rational me knows appearances shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but yesterday, which I thought would be nothing, was my undoing. I accepted waking up with no hair, I accepted in order to help my head heal I’d have to lose some use of my arm, I accept the radiation treatments that saved my life also damaged my skin and I will probably never be fully healed, I accepted that my nose would have a scar from the first Mohs surgery. How much more am I supposed to just accept and be okay with?

Why is this happening to me? To whoever I’ve wronged or for whatever I’ve done to fuck up my karma so bad, I’m sorry. I’m crying uncle. For whatever it is that I have done, you’ve successfully punished me. I am broken. Please stop.