just talking

Bless me father for I have sinned, it’s been 3 days since my last post. I know, I know, pretty pitiful. My track record for this year’s NaBloPoMo has been pretty pitiful, but better than my track record for most of this year so there’s always that.

Some days are easier than others to come up with content or really the energy to blog. I suppose that’s where an editorial calendar comes into play. I suppose if I gave up on my silly idea that words have to be written with immediacy and urgency to be earnest and real I could start some blogs days, weeks, or even months before I actually publish them.

I try really hard not to let bad days or worry or the What-if Monster derail me but there are a lot of days when I lose that battle. I believe I’ve lost that battle most of this year; and it’s been a long year.

My father’s been sick most of this year and it’s been heartbreaking, terrifying, infuriating, and just generally draining. Dad’s first visit to the hospital in 2014 was in early February and it went downhill from there, but then it took an uphill turn in June only to once again go downhill in September and then go wildly, unbelievably, gratefully uphill followed by a long terrifying gut wrenching unbelievable downhill slide to finally level off a bit. Dad still has good days and bad days but blessedly there have been fewer extremes in recent weeks. Even with the relative calm I feel like I’m holding my breath for fear that moving or breathing or being happy will somehow bring it all tumbling down again.

I’m a control freak and a fixer and there’s nothing like serious illness to leave me at loose ends with jangled nerves and out of control anxiety. Normally I love this time of the year, it’s the time when the wheel of the year turns toward the dark and the cold and the universe slows down and goes to sleep. We return to Standard Time and all feels right in my world. Last winter, endless though it may have been, just felt right. After a few years of unseasonably warm temps and very little snow we had a bitter cold winter with plenty of snow. The earth went to sleep and I felt at peace. It’s already unseasonably cold here and winter is most definitely on her way, but I don’t feel relaxed or at peace this time around. I really am she of the jangly nerves and ill at ease.

I’ve never loved the holidays and I’m already feeling beat up and weary this year. I’m already ready for the wheel of the year to turn some more and end this year as if somehow the moments in time when December 31 becomes January 1 will somehow bring about a magic reset. I’ve said, “Good riddance” to more than a few years only for the universe to well and truly demonstrate that there is no magic reset at midnight on New Year’s Eve and that the worst was actually yet to come. So I try not to end years on a bitter or cynical note. I really hope there are no lessons to be taught for ending one year and beginning another feeling weary and overwhelmed and unsure.