Tonight’s post is dedicated to Angel, who apparently knows me better than I know myself.
(no picture today, I’m not up to putting on a brave face)
You can thank Angel for tonight’s post. I was just going to go to sleep and allow this night pass without posting but a message from her inspired me to write tonight after all.
You see I haven’t had much to say lately because as the time ticks by I get more and more afraid. I’m terrified. I have less than 1 week until my treatments begin. I was supposed to spend the day in Cape May with my family on Sunday but our car broke down on Saturday night so we had to spend all day Sunday getting it fixed. I desperately wanted that time to have that day with my family.
You see, there exists the very real possibility that these treatments could cause brain damage (5%) or blindness or any number of other side effects including possible cancers caused by the radiation treatments themselves. After Monday I could very well never be the same me again. I don’t know how to cope with that. I’ve known the possible side effects for months but now that the time is upon me to submit to these treatments I’m terrified into silence. All I want to do is zone out and not think that on Monday morning I’m going to lay on a table alone in a room and have radiation shot into my head. I can’t bear to think that I may not be me again.I don’t want Chuck to spend the rest of his life taking care of me. What kind of a life is that for a person? What if I go blind? I love to read, I love to take photographs. I may never see Chuck’s beautiful face again or the ocean or little miss Cuppy.
I’ve been holding this all in and felt like I had nothing else to say so I just haven’t said much. I suppose Angel sensed this because she sent me a note tonight titled Checking In and simply asked, “how you holding up chickie?” After reading my reply in which I told her pretty much all of the above she sent the following message.
I want you to stand up…go ahead..I’ll wait…STAND UP!
now, you need to shout at the top of your voice “I AM PISSED AT CANCER AND IT WILL NOT BEAT ME!”
get mad and STAY mad at this bastard and then kick ass and take names during treatment
then…thumb your nose at Mr Cancer and tell him to go fuck himself, thank you very much
And so tonight rather than go to sleep without posting and disappointing myself and not being true to this year-long project I stand up (okay sit at my laptop) and tell you I’m afraid and I’m not feeling strong. It’s not a fuck you, but it’s a step past the silence and hiding inside my own head.
Thank you so much for stopping by every day to read and comment, I truly do love you all.
With Much Love,
~ Carol Anne