I have a good friend Angel, who I’ve written about here quite a few times over the years. She believes that you have to listen to the universe. She believes that it throws pebbles, then rocks, then boulders until you do listen. I’ve been trying to listen but sometimes I don’t want to hear.
It’s been a rough 16 months with more months of surgery and recovery and doctor visits to go. About two weeks ago on Thursday morning I just fell apart. I made myself physically sick and had to have Chuck stay home with me because I wasn’t okay. In the 16 months since this all began I’ve never had to ask Chuck to stay home with me because I wasn’t able to stay by myself. It was humbling and embarrassing.
Then last Sunday we were unexpectedly in a different church than we normally go to for mass and it was as though the priest was speaking his homily directly to me he said, “Don’t be bitter,” “Don’t be afraid,” “Trust God.” Tonight we were back at the church we normally go to for Sunday evening mass and the priest spoke about how sometimes we have to go through the same things over and over again in order for us to put ourselves completely in God’s hands. He said that giving up is the devil’s end game.
I think anyone who knows me knows that I’m a control freak. I need to be in control and when I’m not I fall apart. I honestly wish that I had the faith to just put myself in God’s hands and know that whatever happens is his will. I’m not that person. I’m not even going to lie to you and say that I pray to give up my worrisome ways. I’m still desperately trying to control the universe, clinging with both hands to the rope. The freak out two Thursdays ago was about me being weary and not wanting more surgery and the upset surrounding the scheduling process and me not being happy with the way things went and the date being changed. I fell apart in spectacular fashion.
Since last Sunday’s homily I’ve been trying to not feel discouraged and I’m still trying to make peace with the scheduling and that I’m having yet another surgery. I’ve had good days and bad days and nights of anxiety in anticipation of this latest surgery. I don’t want to be cut into again. I don’t want to be attached to a two and a half pound wound vac for 9 days. I want for all of this to be over. I’m trying to have faith and I’m trying to take each day as it comes. I’m trying not to be discouraged. Like I said, I’ve had good days and bad days.
Tonight, one of the Super Bowl commercials was an ad for Chrysler titled Halftime in America. Clint Eastwood gave voice to the words, which again I felt were meant just for me to hear, “We find a way through tough times, if we can’t find a way we make one,” “It’s halftime in America and the second half is about to begin.” Okay, point taken Universe. I get it. It’s up to me to get through this. Get off the floor, have faith, keep going. This is just another leg of this journey, which right now is not meant to be over.
I’ll work on having faith in God and my doctors and that for right now I’m where I’m meant to be. I’ll keep my ears and eyes and heart and mind open. I’ll try to learn the lessons I’m meant to and take things as they come.