SoapBoxVille 2.0

Newer, Better, Stronger, More Mature

  • About Me
  • About Soapboxville
  • The Cancer Diaries
Newer, Better, Stronger, More Mature

homily

Get Up, Stand Up, Don’t Give Up the Fight (Listening to the Universe)

February 6, 2012 by carol anne 4 Comments

Somewhere between raindrops and tears lies the seed from which faith grows.

I have a good friend Angel, who I’ve written about here quite a few times over the years. She believes that you have to listen to the universe. She believes that it throws pebbles, then rocks, then boulders until you do listen. I’ve been trying to listen but sometimes I don’t want to hear.

It’s been a rough 16 months with more months of surgery and recovery and doctor visits to go. About two weeks ago on Thursday morning I just fell apart. I made myself physically sick and had to have Chuck stay home with me because I wasn’t okay. In the 16 months since this all began I’ve never had to ask Chuck to stay home with me because I wasn’t able to stay by myself. It was humbling and embarrassing.

Then last Sunday we were unexpectedly in a different church than we normally go to for mass and it was as though the priest was speaking his homily directly to me he said, “Don’t be bitter,” “Don’t be afraid,” “Trust God.” Tonight we were back at the church we normally go to for Sunday evening mass and the priest spoke about how sometimes we have to go through the same things over and over again in order for us to put ourselves completely in God’s hands. He said that giving up is the devil’s end game.

I think anyone who knows me knows that I’m a control freak. I need to be in control and when I’m not I fall apart. I honestly wish that I had the faith to just put myself in God’s hands and know that whatever happens is his will. I’m not that person. I’m not even going to lie to you and say that I pray to give up my worrisome ways. I’m still desperately trying to control the universe, clinging with both hands to the rope. The freak out two Thursdays ago was about me being weary and not wanting more surgery and the upset surrounding the scheduling process and me not being happy with the way things went and the date being changed. I fell apart in spectacular fashion.

Since last Sunday’s homily I’ve been trying to not feel discouraged and I’m still trying to make peace with the scheduling and that I’m having yet another surgery. I’ve had good days and bad days and nights of anxiety in anticipation of this latest surgery. I don’t want to be cut into again. I don’t want to be attached to a two and a half pound wound vac for 9 days. I want for all of this to be over. I’m trying to have faith and I’m trying to take each day as it comes. I’m trying not to be discouraged. Like I said, I’ve had good days and bad days.

Tonight, one of the Super Bowl commercials was an ad for Chrysler titled Halftime in America. Clint Eastwood gave voice to the words, which again I felt were meant just for me to hear, “We find a way through tough times, if we can’t find a way we make one,” “It’s halftime in America and the second half is about to begin.” Okay, point taken Universe. I get it. It’s up to me to get through this. Get off the floor, have faith, keep going. This is just another leg of this journey, which right now is not meant to be over.

I’ll work on having faith in God and my doctors and that for right now I’m where I’m meant to be. I’ll keep my ears and eyes and heart and mind open. I’ll try to learn the lessons I’m meant to and take things as they come.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Photos, Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: cancer, don't be afraid, homily, muscle flap, radiation treatments, recovery, skin graft, surgery, the second half is just beginning, trust God

Serendipity: The Right Words at the Right Time (feeling peaceful)

January 29, 2012 by carol anne Leave a Comment

Our Lady of Knock

Do you believe in serendipity? Do you believe in just being in the right place at the right time? Feeling at the end of my rope on Friday I wondered what the universe is trying to teach me. Tonight we went to mass in the city. Lately we’ve been going to Sunday night mass at St. Mary’s but tonight we were in the city. After dinner we were going to go to mass at the cathedral but didn’t want to wait the extra 30 mins so we made our way to South Philly to St. Nick’s. It’s been a rough week. I’ve been angry and anxious and upset and feeling out of control. Tonight’s homily was about how we’ve all been through hard times and we’ve all asked, “why me?” The priest said, “Don’t be bitter,” … “Don’t be afraid,” … “Trust God,” “Jesus is always with you.” It’s like he just knew I’d be at that mass. I was so moved and inspired. So I’ll gather my strength and pray that this will truly be my last surgery.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Soul Baring Ramblings, Spiritual Ramblings Tagged: cancer, don't be afraid, homily, muscle flap, radiation treatments, recovery, serendipity, skin graft, surgery, trust God

Copyright © 2021 SoapBoxVille 2.0.

Family WordPress Theme by themehall.com