gratitude

Be Bold and Mighty Forces Will Come to Your Aid

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Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul, Philadelphia

 

Two posts from me. In one day? Hell may have truly frozen over. But, I just came home from mass and my heart was overflowing.

 

I went to mass tonight for the first time since my cancer returned and I lost my left side vision and Chuck died. I got in an Uber and off I went. My driver was a woman named Tasha, who lives one development over. She’s a born again Christian and we talked the whole way to mass. I was her first and second Uber fares, tonight was her first night driving. I really believe there are no coincidences and that God puts people in front of us when they are meant to be there.

 

I feel like I’m in the midst of spiritual reawakening. Ever since I took part in the 101 Tasks in in 1,001 days I’ve been thinking about what my spiritual goals are. One goal I wrote down for the 101 Tasks was go to mass on the feast of the Assumption. I didn’t feel great this morning, in fact I’ve been exceptionally tired all week, but I had my art class today and it was our summer birthdays party and I promised to bring the pizza from Liscio’s so I got myself together and got in an Uber, picked up the pizza, and headed to class. It was a good class with lots of good, happy, fun conversation. These ladies are so amazing.

 

As I was saying, I believe God puts people in front of you when they are supposed to be there. One of these amazing women, Deborah, gave me a card last week with a bible verse from Corinthians, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I’ve been meditating on these words every day when I say my rosary, along with the words I found when reading about praying more intentionally, “God, please turn up in my messy life.”

 

Another of my spiritual goals from the 101 Tasks was the to back to saying the rosary every day and Kelly’s Tiny Rosary arrived just in time to be part of that goal. I feel loved when I pray my new, fun rosary.

 

I cried my way through mass tonight, weepy with gratitude that God brought me there and allowed me the courage to not be afraid to be out alone. I’ve run errands alone with an Uber waiting right outside, but I was alone for almost an hour tonight. I knew Tasha said she would hang around and if she didn’t get another call would come back for me after mass so I felt a little more comfortable knowing she might be back. I’ve been so afraid for so long, it’s tough to be independent when a migraine might come on and cause a visual disturbance. And, I’ve been so angry, confused, and lost at all that’s happened in the last two years. I’ve founded in my faith and at times I’ve been hatefully angry at God and the universe and fate. I’ve doubted and cursed God. How do you beg mercy from a God you’d like to pummel? You just do.

 

I am weepy with gratitude for the last few really good days. Sunday with an amazing group of amazing women, Monday getting myself to and from my neurologist appointment alone in an Uber, Tuesday doing the same to get to my therapist appointment and Rite to pick up a prescription, and today to Liscio’s, my art class, and mass. Freedom is an incredible gift and loss of freedom and independence is huge loss. I’m slowly finding my faith, my feet, and my freedom again and it feels good.

 

When I got out of the car tonight Tasha told me she would pray for me and I told her that I have my MRI coming up on August 31st and she prayed with me right there. I got mostly positive news when a loved one prayed over me in July so I’m hopeful Tasha’s prayers will be equally helpful. I really am weepy with gratitude that I was able to go to mass tonight on this, the feast of the Assumption.

 

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many loving family, friends, and an assorted cast of characters who inspire me and make me feel safe enough to be brave.

 

Blessed be…

Thank You

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I wish there was such a thing as after funeral obituaries or after funeral thank you notes published in the newspaper because so many of the people I want to thank will not see this.

I was worried with the viewing and funeral all being one day and so early on a Saturday morning that dad would not have a good turnout. Turns out I needn’t have worried, I was spectacularly wrong. You came, you all came, friends, family, neighborhood folks, coworkers, employers, all of my and Tommy’s families and friends, you were all there, every one of you.

Thank you for your time, your presence, your memories, your kind words, and your warm condolences, I am more than grateful.

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — My Amazing Family — Sunday Morning Rerun

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I’m rerunning this post today because it’s as true today as it was then.

I told you two days ago that I’d be back to tell you about my amazing family. I’m sorry I didn’t get back here yesterday. I had a morning appointment with the plastic surgeon to have the sutures removed and then spent the day at mom’s house.

This one is hard to write. How do you put into words how much you love and appreciate those closest to you? Thank you just doesn’t seem enough to express my gratitude. I woke up from surgery surrounded by everyone I love and everyone who loves me. How do you say thank you to the folks who were there as the nurses removed the breathing tube? The people who were there urging me to breathe as so that the nurses would be able to remove the tube?

I never spent one day alone in the hospital or rehab. Someone was always there with me. They came in shifts; my parents during the day, Tommy and Arlene (my brother and sister-in-law) during the dinner hour, and Chuck (my husband) after work. Sometimes my room was full of the above mentioned cast of characters.

I’m so grateful they were all there for me, but I’m even more grateful they were there for each other. In particular I’m so glad they were there for Chuck. My parents always loved him like one of their own so I’ve no doubt they took good care of him during the days I don’t remember. I’m so grateful that Tommy and Arlene sat with him and kept him company.

There’s really a week of my life that I don’t remember and it’s comforting to know that my loved ones were all there watching over me; my five guardian angels. I don’t remember the really and truly terrifying days. Chuck had to make tough and frightening decisions for me. In a way only Chuck, my parents and Tommy and Arlene suffered through them. It was much less scary for me because for all intents and purposes I slept through the worst of it. I’m glad they were all there together.

I couldn’t ask for more kind, loving, generous loved ones. It’s not just the heavy serious stuff that I’m thankful for either. It’s the seeming little things that mean so much.

Chuck spent all of Saturday at the hospital with me in Critical Care ICU. He went home, fed the cats, ate dinner, got my laptop and Netflix DVD, and drove back to the hospital to watch The American President with me. All so we could have some time alone together and so I wouldn’t be alone my first night really awake and alert in ICU.

My mom brought me German Potato Salad and carrot cake from the Cannstatter’s so that I’d have something yummy to eat.

My dad brought me soft pretzels because I asked for them. He brought enough for my nurses also.

My sister-in-law saw to it that I had all sorts of comfort items. She brought me a plush cat that sang What’s New Pussycat with a Padre Pie rosary/medal attached. I prayed that rosary or just ran my fingers over the beads whenever I felt anxious or scared. Every nurse who took care of me loved (as did I) the Halloween footies she bought me. I’m actually wearing them now. And I’m quite sure that I was the only patient at Cooper University Hospital with a lighted Tigger the Tiger Jack O’lantern.

Tommy could always be counted on to bring me a fresh bottle of Coke, which I hoarded so I’d have it all day.

Really, the stuff that doesn’t seem like much is in fact much. I hated the food in rehab. Every day my parents and Chuck brought me lunch and dinner. That’s five days worth of stopping for food, paying for food and taking the time to eat with me.

I can’t begin to say thanks. I wouldn’t know where to begin. Chuck’s taken so many days off from work to be with me so that I wouldn’t be afraid or alone (in and out of the hospital). My parents have rearranged their lives to spend time with me in the hospital, at rehab and at home. Tommy and Arlene came nightly at dinner time putting their own dinners off to spend time with me as well as calling, texting and messaging several times a day.

I am so loved and I am so grateful. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — My Amazing Family

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I told you two days ago that I’d be back to tell you about my amazing family. I’m sorry I didn’t get back here yesterday. I had a morning appointment with the plastic surgeon to have the sutures removed and then spent the day at mom’s house.

This one is hard to write. How do you put into words how much you love and appreciate those closest to you? Thank you just doesn’t seem enough to express my gratitude. I woke up from surgery surrounded by everyone I love and everyone who loves me. How do you say thank you to the folks who were there as the nurses removed the breathing tube? The people who were there urging me to breathe as so that the nurses would be able to remove the tube?

I never spent one day alone in the hospital or rehab. Someone was always there with me. They came in shifts; my parents during the day, Tommy and Arlene (my brother and sister-in-law) during the dinner hour, and Chuck (my husband) after work. Sometimes my room was full of the above mentioned cast of characters.

I’m so grateful they were all there for me, but I’m even more grateful they were there for each other. In particular I’m so glad they were there for Chuck. My parents always loved him like one of their own so I’ve no doubt they took good care of him during the days I don’t remember. I’m so grateful that Tommy and Arlene sat with him and kept him company.

There’s really a week of my life that I don’t remember and it’s comforting to know that my loved ones were all there watching over me; my five guardian angels. I don’t remember the really and truly terrifying days. Chuck had to make tough and frightening decisions for me. In a way only Chuck, my parents and Tommy and Arlene suffered through them. It was much less scary for me because for all intents and purposes I slept through the worst of it. I’m glad they were all there together.

I couldn’t ask for more kind, loving, generous loved ones. It’s not just the heavy serious stuff that I’m thankful for either. It’s the seeming little things that mean so much.

Chuck spent all of Saturday at the hospital with me in Critical Care ICU. He went home, fed the cats, ate dinner, got my laptop and Netflix DVD, and drove back to the hospital to watch The American President with me. All so we could have some time alone together and so I wouldn’t be alone my first night really awake and alert in ICU.

My mom brought me German Potato Salad and carrot cake from the Cannstatter’s so that I’d have something yummy to eat.

My dad brought me soft pretzels because I asked for them. He brought enough for my nurses also.

My sister-in-law saw to it that I had all sorts of comfort items. She brought me a plush cat that sang What’s New Pussycat with a Padre Pie rosary/medal attached. I prayed that rosary or just ran my fingers over the beads whenever I felt anxious or scared. Every nurse who took care of me loved (as did I) the Halloween footies she bought me. I’m actually wearing them now. And I’m quite sure that I was the only patient at Cooper University Hospital with a lighted Tigger the Tiger Jack O’lantern.

Tommy could always be counted on to bring me a fresh bottle of Coke, which I hoarded so I’d have it all day.

Really, the stuff that doesn’t seem like much is in fact much. I hated the food in rehab. Every day my parents and Chuck brought me lunch and dinner. That’s five days worth of stopping for food, paying for food and taking the time to eat with me.

I can’t begin to say thanks. I wouldn’t know where to begin. Chuck’s taken so many days off from work to be with me so that I wouldn’t be afraid or alone (in and out of the hospital). My parents have rearranged their lives to spend time with me in the hospital, at rehab and at home. Tommy and Arlene came nightly at dinner time putting their own dinners off to spend time with me as well as calling, texting and messaging several times a day.

I am so loved and I am so grateful. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Love,

 

  ~ Carol Anne