Two posts from me. In one day? Hell may have truly frozen over. But, I just came home from mass and my heart was overflowing.
I went to mass tonight for the first time since my cancer returned and I lost my left side vision and Chuck died. I got in an Uber and off I went. My driver was a woman named Tasha, who lives one development over. She’s a born again Christian and we talked the whole way to mass. I was her first and second Uber fares, tonight was her first night driving. I really believe there are no coincidences and that God puts people in front of us when they are meant to be there.
I feel like I’m in the midst of spiritual reawakening. Ever since I took part in the 101 Tasks in in 1,001 days I’ve been thinking about what my spiritual goals are. One goal I wrote down for the 101 Tasks was go to mass on the feast of the Assumption. I didn’t feel great this morning, in fact I’ve been exceptionally tired all week, but I had my art class today and it was our summer birthdays party and I promised to bring the pizza from Liscio’s so I got myself together and got in an Uber, picked up the pizza, and headed to class. It was a good class with lots of good, happy, fun conversation. These ladies are so amazing.
As I was saying, I believe God puts people in front of you when they are supposed to be there. One of these amazing women, Deborah, gave me a card last week with a bible verse from Corinthians, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I’ve been meditating on these words every day when I say my rosary, along with the words I found when reading about praying more intentionally, “God, please turn up in my messy life.”
Another of my spiritual goals from the 101 Tasks was the to back to saying the rosary every day and Kelly’s Tiny Rosary arrived just in time to be part of that goal. I feel loved when I pray my new, fun rosary.
I cried my way through mass tonight, weepy with gratitude that God brought me there and allowed me the courage to not be afraid to be out alone. I’ve run errands alone with an Uber waiting right outside, but I was alone for almost an hour tonight. I knew Tasha said she would hang around and if she didn’t get another call would come back for me after mass so I felt a little more comfortable knowing she might be back. I’ve been so afraid for so long, it’s tough to be independent when a migraine might come on and cause a visual disturbance. And, I’ve been so angry, confused, and lost at all that’s happened in the last two years. I’ve founded in my faith and at times I’ve been hatefully angry at God and the universe and fate. I’ve doubted and cursed God. How do you beg mercy from a God you’d like to pummel? You just do.
I am weepy with gratitude for the last few really good days. Sunday with an amazing group of amazing women, Monday getting myself to and from my neurologist appointment alone in an Uber, Tuesday doing the same to get to my therapist appointment and Rite to pick up a prescription, and today to Liscio’s, my art class, and mass. Freedom is an incredible gift and loss of freedom and independence is huge loss. I’m slowly finding my faith, my feet, and my freedom again and it feels good.
When I got out of the car tonight Tasha told me she would pray for me and I told her that I have my MRI coming up on August 31st and she prayed with me right there. I got mostly positive news when a loved one prayed over me in July so I’m hopeful Tasha’s prayers will be equally helpful. I really am weepy with gratitude that I was able to go to mass tonight on this, the feast of the Assumption.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many loving family, friends, and an assorted cast of characters who inspire me and make me feel safe enough to be brave.