Faith

On Faith…

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Author’s Note

I’ve been thinking about faith a lot in the past few years. I spent hours last night working on a piece. This is not that piece. This is an anaphora poem from tonight’s first Unspoken Ink prompt.  Poetry is not my genre either, so I’m all sorts of out of my comfort zone in tonight’s writings.

I figure if I keep thinking and writing I will eventually get my head, my heart, and my soul right.

On Faith

Faith is belief in things unseen.

Faith is believing you don’t have to go through this alone.

Faith is knowing he will raise you up on the last day.

Faith is wondering where he is during the fall.

Faith is hoping like hell that’s a ball pit down there while you’re falling.

Faith is swimming against the current when your arms gave out ten miles ago.

Faith is knowing with every fiber of your being that going to find the shore.

Faith is making it to shore and having no idea where to go next or how to get there.

Faith is lighting smoke signals every day in the hopes you will be found.

Faith is continuing on barefoot and alone.

Faith is continuing to walk even though you don’t know the way.

Faith is wondering who crashed the plane and if the pilot survived.

Faith is wondering where he is.

Faith is lighting another Goddamn smoke signal fire.

Faith is knowing a rescue (answers) may never come but walking on and lighting fires anyway, because you have faith there will come a road that will lead you home.

Faith is belief in things unseen.

Be Bold and Mighty Forces Will Come to Your Aid

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Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul, Philadelphia

 

Two posts from me. In one day? Hell may have truly frozen over. But, I just came home from mass and my heart was overflowing.

 

I went to mass tonight for the first time since my cancer returned and I lost my left side vision and Chuck died. I got in an Uber and off I went. My driver was a woman named Tasha, who lives one development over. She’s a born again Christian and we talked the whole way to mass. I was her first and second Uber fares, tonight was her first night driving. I really believe there are no coincidences and that God puts people in front of us when they are meant to be there.

 

I feel like I’m in the midst of spiritual reawakening. Ever since I took part in the 101 Tasks in in 1,001 days I’ve been thinking about what my spiritual goals are. One goal I wrote down for the 101 Tasks was go to mass on the feast of the Assumption. I didn’t feel great this morning, in fact I’ve been exceptionally tired all week, but I had my art class today and it was our summer birthdays party and I promised to bring the pizza from Liscio’s so I got myself together and got in an Uber, picked up the pizza, and headed to class. It was a good class with lots of good, happy, fun conversation. These ladies are so amazing.

 

As I was saying, I believe God puts people in front of you when they are supposed to be there. One of these amazing women, Deborah, gave me a card last week with a bible verse from Corinthians, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I’ve been meditating on these words every day when I say my rosary, along with the words I found when reading about praying more intentionally, “God, please turn up in my messy life.”

 

Another of my spiritual goals from the 101 Tasks was the to back to saying the rosary every day and Kelly’s Tiny Rosary arrived just in time to be part of that goal. I feel loved when I pray my new, fun rosary.

 

I cried my way through mass tonight, weepy with gratitude that God brought me there and allowed me the courage to not be afraid to be out alone. I’ve run errands alone with an Uber waiting right outside, but I was alone for almost an hour tonight. I knew Tasha said she would hang around and if she didn’t get another call would come back for me after mass so I felt a little more comfortable knowing she might be back. I’ve been so afraid for so long, it’s tough to be independent when a migraine might come on and cause a visual disturbance. And, I’ve been so angry, confused, and lost at all that’s happened in the last two years. I’ve founded in my faith and at times I’ve been hatefully angry at God and the universe and fate. I’ve doubted and cursed God. How do you beg mercy from a God you’d like to pummel? You just do.

 

I am weepy with gratitude for the last few really good days. Sunday with an amazing group of amazing women, Monday getting myself to and from my neurologist appointment alone in an Uber, Tuesday doing the same to get to my therapist appointment and Rite to pick up a prescription, and today to Liscio’s, my art class, and mass. Freedom is an incredible gift and loss of freedom and independence is huge loss. I’m slowly finding my faith, my feet, and my freedom again and it feels good.

 

When I got out of the car tonight Tasha told me she would pray for me and I told her that I have my MRI coming up on August 31st and she prayed with me right there. I got mostly positive news when a loved one prayed over me in July so I’m hopeful Tasha’s prayers will be equally helpful. I really am weepy with gratitude that I was able to go to mass tonight on this, the feast of the Assumption.

 

I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many loving family, friends, and an assorted cast of characters who inspire me and make me feel safe enough to be brave.

 

Blessed be…

UnSpoken Ink: Raw & Unfinished Snippets

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On Monday night Lacuna Loft’s Unspoken Ink fall session began. . The two pieces below are my writings from that session. Sometimes I forget the power of words, written and spoken. The object of the writing workshop is to write from the top of your head in the whole time allotted. As I was writing, By Heart I didn’t realize the emotions attached to the words I’d written but as I read it out loud to the group I broke down in tears. There’s so much magic in the art of writing. It allows me to open up and let words flow from my heart and mind; words I didn’t know were there until I sit down with pen in hand.

 

By the Numbers, was inspired by another writer’s response to the first prompt. I was struck by her use of the word grace in terms of walking and dancing. I used grace in terms of God’s grace in my second piece. I didn’t know where I was going with the number I’d chosen (8) until I started writing. While I was writing I assumed it was going to be me complaining in list form, but it became so much more; more than I knew about myself until it was there on the paper.

 

These Unspoken Ink workshops are so amazing and so good for me. They allow me to sit down and just write without overthinking everything and getting stuck in my head. They are freeing and so cathartic.

 

By Heart and By the Numbers are below.

 

 

By the Heart

 

Her pink hair flying in the wind, pedaling like hell to keep up, Annie thought,” It’s just like riding a bike my ass!” Sweating and puffing, cursing herself for believing Amelia this would be easy. Maybe it had been easier, maybe it had been easier 100 pounds, 30 years, and two cancer diagnoses ago but it definitely wasn’t now. “Who thought this was a good idea? What was I thinking?”  She knew the streets by heart, past the church where they were married, past the pizza shop where he worked, past the front steps of her parents’ house where he kissed her for the first time. Puffing and sweating, crying hot, salty, bittersweet tears of loss and longing. She knew this place, these streets by heart, this was home. Her pink hair flying, her broken heart pounding, sweat pouring down her back; she pedaled, because, it was just like riding a bike.

 

I took this photo in 2016 on the day I found out I was four years cancer free. As it turns out, it was the last time either Chuck or I could say we were cancer free. Chuck was diagnosed eight months later and my recurrence was found five months after Chuck’s diagnosis.

 

By the Numbers

 

8 years ago, this all began, 1 trip to the ER, 1 ambulance ride to the hospital that actually had a neuro department, 2 surgeries, 5 days I don’t remember, 1 cancer diagnosis, 10 days in ICU, 3 days in step down, 5 days in rehab, 32 radiation treatments in 8 weeks, 8 more surgeries, and 30 more radiation treatments, 1 dead husband, 1 year watching him die, and somehow, I’ve found my grace. Somehow, I’m more whole and more real. Somehow 8 years of sickness, loss, treatments, and uncertainty has brought me grace, and love, and strength; a life I didn’t know existed, a life I didn’t know I was allowed to have.

 

8 years, 1 cancer diagnosis, 1 cancer recurrence, 5 deaths, 10 surgeries, 62 radiation treatments, and an uncertain future have not robbed me of my soul. I walk in grace because I’ve walked through fire, questioned and am still questioning my faith, suffered, lost, and picked up the pieces. I am strong because I believe, I am brave because I have faith. I walk in grace because I have all of you.

 

I am lost…

I am found…

I am still here.

 

 

 

 

 

God in my Messy Life

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Cathedral Sts. Peter and Paul, Phila.

 

I had an amazing day today. Honestly, it wasn’t all that special, I had a morning meeting with a financial advisor, came home in the rain, went to the bakery to get pizza and cake, Wawa to get coffee and mac and cheese, and the religious goods store to look into buying an audio bible.

 

No big deal, right? People run far more errands in the space of a day than I did today. But, I ran them alone. I spent a fortune in Uber fees, but I did it all on my own. This was the first time since I lost my left-side vision last May and had the two migraines that caused me to be unable to see for hours last fall that I’ve been out and about alone for such an extended time.

 

When I woke up this morning with a headache and a lot of anxiety. I really, really, really wanted to cancel my appointment in the city, but I’d promised to meet a friend before my appointment to give her a Wilt Chamberlain bobblehead I had laying around the house and I didn’t want to disappoint her. I honestly contemplated getting in the Uber, riding to the city, handing her the bobblehead, then going home rather than going to my appointment, but I thought an $85 ride with nothing accomplished was wasteful and stupid. So, I took a Tylenol and half a Xanax, put my big girl pants (aka my wig) on and started my day.

 

I rehomed Wilt, met with the financial planner, made some plans to keep me afloat now that I’ve been denied disability, and planned to walk to the Apple store afterward, but the rain and my lack of an umbrella (always listen to your big brother when he tells you to take an umbrella with you) prevented me from checking out the iPads. I’ve been wondering if I buy the 12” x 9” iPad if it will allow me to read better than the smaller screen of my Kindle. I’d like to be able to read rather than just listen to audiobooks. But, it was weather, not fear that kept me from walking the two blocks to the Apple store. So, I’m counting this as a win, an incomplete win, but a win nonetheless.

 

The rain stopped shortly after I returned home and there were things I really wanted to do today, but when you don’t drive you’re limited as to what you can do, especially when public transportation in your area isn’t all that good. I was restless and annoyed that I couldn’t go look for an audio bible and the Tiny Saints rosary I’m now on a mission to find, I also wanted to buy some pizza and go to Wawa for coffee.  I thought to myself, you took Tylenol and Xanax earlier, you don’t feel migrainy, and damnit you’ve been cooped up and hiding in this damn house for far too long. I ordered an Uber and off I went.

 

It was a successful outing, I bought myself pizza and cake at Liscio’s, coffee and mac and cheese at Wawa, and left my number at the Little Flower religious goods store so they can call me next week about buying an audio bible. I was looking for a daily missal, but they’d just sold their last one so technically I struck out at the religious store, but the victory was not in the items procured, it was in being able to be out and about alone. I admit it, I was nervous and uncomfortable, but I did it. Today I took my first really expensive steps in conquering my fear of being alone.  I attribute this to the journey the 101 Tasks in 1,001 Days set me on earlier this week. On Monday night I took part in the workshop sponsored by Lacuna Loft and started listing my 101 tasks. I’m nowhere near completing my list, but one of those tasks was to learn to pray more purposefully. Yesterday, on the Ibelieve.com website I read advice for praying intentionally, one point mentioned saying, God please turn up in my messy life today. I thought this was simple and to the point and so I chose this point to work on. I started saying it yesterday and I said it to myself today. I’ve been so angry at God, and so lost and my faith has foundered in the days and months since Chuck got sick and died. It really is hard to keep the faith when your world is falling apart. I’m working on it, I’ve gone back to saying the rosary every day and am working on figuring out how to pray more intentionally and trying to figure out how to reconcile my anger and confusion while somehow finding my faith again.

 

Today’s bravery was brought to you by God, my own strength, 101 Tasks in 1,001 Days, Tylenol, half a Xanx, a promise I didn’t want to break to a friend, and Uber. Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, it’s making your way through in spite of fear. Today was a much-needed victory and I am grateful.

 

 

On Faith & Divine Mercy

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Sunset after mass, Sunday, April 7, 2013

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday. The priest said in his sermon tonight that God meets us where we are. I’ll add that to the thoughts that have been running through my head this week.

I’ve been struggling with the deaths of several people I grew up with/went to school with, all of whom were of similar ages. In the last three years I’ve survived two major surgeries, four minor surgeries, and 32 radiation treatments. I’m a little more than one-year cancer-free and I know that it could have been me. I could have been any one of the three who died. I’m grieving for the loss of the cocoon of invincibility that youth and good health provide.

Tonight by the grace of God’s divine mercy and the power of prayer I’m alive and well and grateful for my life. I’ll work the rest out as I go.