It’s day 18 of my quest to learn to better love myself and 3 days until my appointment with the neurosurgeon. This is where the serious talk about radiation and cancer treatments will begin. This is where I’ll find out if the blood clot is gone or if I’ll have to continue taking blood thinners and giving myself a shot twice a day. I’m so nervous. There are days when I just believe this is where I am in my life. I can’t believe I’m living this. I’m consumed with fear tonight. I was alright all day but as the day wore on the thought of having to discuss cancer treatments and making appointments with oncologists just overwhelmed me. I don’t know where we go from here. I can’t see me being any calmer as this week wears on. I’m torn between hoping for a blizzard on Friday so I don’t have to go and wishing my appointment was tomorrow so I could just get it over with.
I know there’s no sense in worrying. It’s not as though I can just decide not to have the radiation. This is going to happen no matter what so I’d be better off just taking a deep breath and dealing with it. I know that I am not the one in control and that I should just let go and be brave but I’m terrified. When I think of things upcoming I wonder if I’ll be able to be there. I wonder if I’ll be well. I wonder how long I’ll have to have radiation. I wonder if there’ll be chemo too or if radiation will be enough. I’m scared of the side effects of radiation and even more terrified of the effects of chemo. Up until Dr. Matthews (plastic surgeon) cleared me for radiation these were only thoughts briefly floating by in my head. None of this was concrete because I was not yet cleared for radiation. Now that it’s upon me I have moments when I can barely breath from the fear.
I really hope my blogs don’t come off as whiny. (not that I can’t be a whiny bitch from time to time) I’m writing to express myself and perhaps put out there that which unfortunately lives in my head. I also hope that maybe someone who’s going through similar circumstances will benefit from reading. You know you always read about these fantastic people who fight so bravely and go on with daily life as though nothing has happened. Not everybody can do that. Certainly I can’t. I have moments where I’m not sure if I’m terrified or just sad.
You see these beautiful women who’ve lost their hair to breast cancer, they’re all dressed up and have makeup on and they’re just radiant with hope and faith and gratitude. They amaze me. I get out of bed and take a shower every day because my parents are coming or because I have a doctor’s appointment but most of all because it gives me some structure to follow some sort of a schedule every day. I don’t know how they do it. I have moments when all I can think is, “I’ll never be pretty again.”
When it comes right down to it I have no right to feel sorry for myself. (pity party, party of 1 your table’s ready) I’m so fortunate to be alive. God willing the radiation will get the cancer that was not removed during surgery and I’ll go on with my life and the worst it’ll mean for me is I’ll be bald. My real hair was never really nice to begin with.
Please don’t write me off as whiny or weak. In real life I’m neither. Right now I’m feeling small, lesser, I’m afraid. I’ll work on feeling sorry for myself. I hope you’ll keep reading while I do.
~ Carol Anne