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365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Day 45

I am vain. I am very vain. I didn’t know I was vain until I got my wig. I’ve never been happier than to look in the mirror on Saturday and see myself with really truly nice hair. I’ve always had really poor hair and never thought it ever looked pretty no matter who styled it or how much I dyed or permed it. But Saturday that all changed. I’ve got hair, nice hair, hair that has body and oomph. And, oh yeah, it’s red! Such a pretty color.

We had a 50th wedding anniversary party to attend on Sunday. I was so excited to go buy new makeup and shoes and get dolled up to go out. At my last plastic surgeon appointment she gave me the go ahead to start wearing makeup again, start wearing my glasses again and she gave me the okay to get my ears re-pierced. I haven’t made it to the mall yet to accomplish this act of vanity. I actually hate the mall so this particular act of vanity may wait until necessity requires me to go there. So for now I’ll just be excited to sport my pretty new hair and my old reading glasses.

Sleep easy my babies. See you tomorrow!

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Day 38

Dig my pretty new scarf! Isn't it nice?


It’s been a long exhausting day. I had my first appointment with the oncologist this afternoon. It was a long scary appointment. The day started off rough and so my already frayed nerves were pretty much unraveled when I arrived at Booth Radiology only to find out that the films I needed to bring with me to the appointment were not ready. According to the girl at the desk the machine was broken on Friday and so nothing got done. Rather than lose it at her I just walked out.

Seriously. They have you leave your information along with a phone number you can be reached at on the answering machine. In my message I asked to pick up my films on Monday morning. If they couldn’t provide the films in the 48 hour time frame they request they should have at least called to let me know ahead of time. Imagine my surprise when I stopped there on my way to the oncologist’s office and the films weren’t there. To say that this was my undoing would be an understatement.

We arrived at the CyberKnife center, which is located down a dead end road (totally thought we were lost) and I filled out all the required paperwork. And then we waited. And waited. Oh and we waited some more. Finally the nurse came out and ushered us into a consultation room where she took my medical history, which she already had. I know this because she corrected me when I forgot that my father’s last bout with skin cancer was in fact melanoma. *shakes head* I think she may have been killing time until the doctor was free to see me. After taking my medical history she offered us the opportunity to sit in the consultation room to continue waiting or go back out in to the waiting room to continue waiting. I opted to stay in the consultation room rather than go backwards in the waiting process.

As it turns out they didn’t have the last progress report from the plastic surgeon so we waited some more while they had the plastic surgeon’s office fax that over. The nurse moved us into the exam room where we waited some more. When he finally arrived he asked us to tell him the story up until this point and then started to discuss the side effects and possible risks associated with radiation treatments. He examined my head and scheduled me for a Sim Appointment next Friday. At the Sim Appointment they’ll map out my head and create a face mask to hold my head still during radiation treatments. *shudder* The nurse told me they can cut the eyes out if I’m claustrophobic. *laughs* You’re going to cover my head in a full mask designed to immobilize my head while you shoot radiation in to my head and you think that cutting the eyes out will make it a less claustrophobic experience? I don’t think so, but okay. *shakes head*

Before the Sim Appointment I need to have another CAT scan, this time of my neck, to check to see if the cancer has spread to any lymph nodes. And OMG! I have to have a pregnancy test. After the Sim appointment they’ll map out a plan for my radiation treatments and after a few weeks my treatments will begin. The treatments will be 5 days a week for 6 weeks. There are no treatments on weekends or holidays.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you about the pretty wig Martino found for me today.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Day 36

Hola kiddies! I hope tonight’s post finds you all well and in good spirits. It was a quiet rainy day around here. We didn’t do much. We ended up driving around a bit and then stopped at Burger King for dinner and as it turns out it was a nice quiet casual time for to us to sit and talk about my coming radiation treatments. Nothing too deep or serious and it came in dribs and drabs but it was nice (if you can call talking about radiation treatments nice) to just talk.

This project is very important to me so I’ve asked the hubs to make sure it continues through the radiation treatments. I’ve asked him to snap a pic and post a bit on days if/when I’m feeling to sick or too weak. I’m hoping I won’t need him to but since this project is important to me I want to see it through. I want this to be someplace others with cancer or other illnesses can come to read and perhaps alleviate some of their fears. I’m sure no two cancer experiences are the same but I think having at least a vague idea of what’s to come is at least a little reassuring. I wish that I’d have thought to take pictures of the CAT scan and MRI machines when I had those tests done. I think part of the fear is not knowing what to expect. I was so terrified of the MRI and then once I got in there and actually saw the machine I was like Oh I can do this. I got this. Had I known ahead of time what the machine looked like I wouldn’t have worried so much beforehand. If I have any more CAT scans or MRIs I’ll ask the technicians if I can take photos of the machines. I’ll see what I can do about documenting the radiation process also.

It’s almost midnight so I better get this posted before I actually end up missing a day without actually missing a day. *laughs* Sleep easy my dear lil readers. (((hugs)))

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

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Day 35

It’s day 35. I took this picture early this afternoon but forgot to post it after I got done posting this week’s Pop Culture Potpourri. Now it’s almost midnight and I don’t know what I want to say here. I’m sure you’re tired of me telling you I’m scared. I’m certainly tired of being scared. I wish I were that person that people said things about like, “she met the challenge head on with a steely determination.” There’s nothing steely about me. In fact I feel more flimsy and vulnerable than I ever have. I hate the unknown. I hate pain and discomfort. I hate doctors and hospitals. I hate sickness. I wish I could close my eyes and wish this away.

The nurse who made the appointment for me said, “the radiation treatments will be at the main hospital if you choose to go forward with the radiation.” ^insert confused face here^ Should I choose to go forward with the radiation? As if there’s a choice. I mean, yeah sure there’s a choice. I can choose not to have radiation and leave the cancer in my head to grow, but why would I do that? Of course I’m going to go forward with radiation or chemotherapy or whatever the oncologist tells me needs to be done. I’m scared and I may cry but I’m not going to give up or give in.