It’s day 60 and I had hoped to be well on my way to being done with all things cancer by the time this post came around. Instead I’m in limbo. I feel like shit. I have a cold and I made my mother cry today.
If you recall I had to have a CAT scan of my neck a few weeks ago. The doctor called to let me know that I have two slightly enlarged lymph nodes and need to have a PET scan before anything else goes forward to rule out that the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. He says it’s rare that basal cell cancer spreads but he has to rule it out before anything else can go forward.
I’m scared, I’m sure my husband’s scared and like I said I made my mother cry. I feel like shit. As if my family hasn’t been through enough with me now I have to go and throw a monkey wrench in everything. *sobs* I told a friend that I was feeling defeated and she said that I should get angry. That I should use that anger to my advantage to help me fight. I know she’s right but right now all I feel is scared and exhausted. I don’t want any more tests and I don’t want any more dyes and radioactive stuff pumped into my body before I’ve even started radiation treatments. I feel like I’m going to glow in the fucking dark. And who knows what all this is doing to me in the long term.
I know that I should want anything and everything that helps me get better but I’m tired of all this nonsense. I’m tired of being poked and prodded and examined and scanned. I’m five months in and I’m done with all of this. I don’t want any more. I just want this whole nightmare to be over and I’m terrified now that there’ll be more to be terrified of. I’m exhausted and I feel like shit.