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anxiety

Help me find the line. Do you know where it is?

August 31, 2014 by carol anne Leave a Comment

My mother suffers from undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and depression. Everything in her life is catastrophic; in her world the sky is falling every day. For years I’ve unsuccessfully begged her and fought with her to get help. And every day I answer the phone and allow her to fill me up with all of her worry and sorrow. It’s exhausting. I’ve never denied her, not even when I had cancer.

When Robin Williams died I thought to myself, “Suicide is the greatest and most final defeat for those who love someone who is mentally ill.”

I wrote the following to a friend. “I can’t get out of my head how defeated his family must feel. I run a thousand miles an hour on a daily basis, I tilt at windmills, I grasp at straws, and I fight every day to make my mother better to no avail. Suicide is absolute defeat for those who love the mentally ill.”

To which they replied, “But that’s just it…it isn’t your fight.”

And this, my friends is where I search for the line. Isn’t it my fight? She’s my mother, shouldn’t I try to help her, fix her, change her? Does preservation of my own sanity equal being a bad daughter? I confess; there are mornings when I don’t want to answer the phone but I do anyway because I can’t bring myself to not answer the phone.

Dad’s sick now and every day mom tells me how sick dad is, and that he’s failing, and that he’s dying. And in her defense, this is what he tells her every day. Every morning I’m faced with tears, and sorrow, and the daily medical report. Mom is the daily bad news report. I talk to mom first thing in the morning and it’s hard to not let her sorrow become my sorrow. It’s hard to not let this derail my day.

I’ve come to the point where I’ve stopped trying to change the subject. I’ve come to the point where I just listen. I’ve stopped trying to get her to see a psychiatrist or change medicines or add medicines. All that is left of mom is a deep well of depression and me without a rope long enough to pull her out. I’m helpless.

I’m not a doctor, I’m not a counselor, but I am her daughter. Isn’t it my job to make her happy? Isn’t it my job to make her life better? But I don’t know how and it’s been 30 years of trying to no avail.

I have mornings when the house is quiet and cool and still and I’m at peace quietly enjoying the quiet around me and in my head. And then the phone rings and I know that peace is over and done with for the day. Mom lives at full-scale, five-alarm depression, anxiety, and panic all day every day. I can’t live that way, I have to be happy, and I can’t wallow. I can’t get anything done if I wallow.

I’m trying to fight my way through my own fears about dad dying. I’m trying to carry my own burdens and deal with my own life and worries without falling apart. I’ve stopped trying to fix mom, I’ve stopped trying to carry the conversation with something/anything else. Each phone conversation ends in defeat, mom in tears and me unable to do anything about it. I lose to the depression and anxiety every damn day. I can’t continue to fail on a daily basis, but I can’t find it in me to not answer the phone or tell her that I don’t want to listen to her troubles on a daily basis anymore because she’s told me I’m the only one she has to tell her troubles to. How do I stop being that outlet for her? How do I stop absorbing her sorrow every day? Where would it go if I didn’t? Where’s the line between selfish and self-preservation?

My heart breaks with the knowledge that while mom’s alive she’ll never be at peace. I can’t fix her and I’m at about capacity for absorbing sorrow. I can’t save her. So again I ask, where’s the line between selfishness and self-preservation?

Posted in: Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: anxiety, depression

THE LOG — Wednesday, December 7 @ 12:32am

December 7, 2011 by carol anne Leave a Comment

Wednesday, December 7 @ 12:32am

I’ve been home for roughly 6 hours. I’m awake waiting for the 2nd dose of painkillers to kick in. I ate dinner and slept for most of the night. Right now I am trying not to let the anxiety overwhelm me. Who wants to move in and keep crazy hours to entertain me during these waiting-for-pain-pills-to-kick-in-moments?

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery Tagged: anxiety, pain

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

May 11, 2011 by carol anne 5 Comments

Day 131

O. My. God. I’m feeling awfully damn pissy tonight. I got up at 5:30am. I left the house at 7:30am for an 8:30am appointment, wasn’t even seen by the doctor until at least 9:30am, spent 5 mins with said doctor. Got a call at noon telling me that the radiation machines were down and that the computers weren’t working so there’d be no radiation treatments today and was rescheduled for yet another afternoon appointment tomorrow. It’s not the cancer that’s going to kill me, it’s the effing annoyance and frustration of waiting and making and breaking and shuffling appointments. Damn it! Don’t they know I’m a creature of habit with control freak tendencies?

The good news is my head looking good. It’s skinned over but the skin is still thin, it still needs to toughen up. (oh yeah, insert your jokes here) God willing If all goes well I don’t need to see Dr. Matthews again until July, which God also willing is after my radiation treatments are scheduled to end. She also said that I should leave it uncovered more and no longer need the Xeroform dressing and bandage all the time. She said as long as I keep it moisturized I should be fine. To keep it moisturized I bought some Aquaphor at Target tonight. Aquaphor is what the radiation folks recommend for treating radiation burns anyway and it made by the folks who make the moisturizer I use everyday (Eucerin Calming Cream).

It’s almost midnight and I’m physically exhausted and emotionally drained. With any luck tomorrow will bring my second radiation treatment and everything will be back on track. I’m so disappointed that now my treatments will go until the day after Tommy’s birthday. June 21 would have not only been Tom’s birthday but also the 6 month anniversary of my last appointment with Dr. Bussey where we found out that the blot was no longer in my brain. *sigh* June 21 just seemed to represent so much good karma. I’m trying to hold it together and not let myself get bogged down in semantics of it all.

Thank you all so much for stopping by every day to read and comment. I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Photos, Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: anxiety, cancer, oncologist, Photography, Photos, plastic surgeon, radiation treatments, recovery, semantics, stress, surgery

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

April 4, 2011 by carol anne 4 Comments

Day 94

I’m back! Yes, I’ve been remiss in posting much in the way of content the past few days. I’ve been feeling tired and very rundown. I should probably write these entries earlier in the day when I’m not so sleepy.

It was a good weekend. Me and the hubs vegged at home Saturday. Of course there were Saturday pretzels for lunch :-) No pizza this week. The hubs hasn’t been enjoying it. We’d planned to eat dinner Outback Steakhouse then head in to the city to have ice cream at Franklin’s Fountain but Snowy’s got sick right before we walked out the door so we opted to get take out and get a few necessities at Target and call it a night so we could keep an eye on Snowy.

Speaking of Snowy, have any of you gone through a serious illness and had a pet at the same time? Snowy’s an anxious kitty on a good day and recently it seems he’s more anxious. The morning of my biopsy he threw up as we were leaving to go. It seems any time we’re getting ready to leave the house he gets upset. I was gone for 17 days while I was in the hospital and rehab but it’s been 6 months since I’ve been home but I’ve left for a few hours here and there for doctors appointments and whatnot and it seems really to bother him. If anyone has any thoughts or advice I’d love to hear from you.

Now on to my good news …. I’m so excited! Chuck’s cousin Natalie, who is my cousin by marriage, asked me to read at her wedding in May. I have to find an amazing dress. Maybe I’ll get my makeup done that day :-)

Okay, I think you’re all caught up now. Thanks for stopping by everyday to read and comment. I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Photos, Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: anxiety, cancer, cat, illness, Photography, Photos, recovery, surgery

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

March 17, 2011 by carol anne 6 Comments

Day 76

I’m anxious tonight. The pre-admission testing folks from the hospital. I had to go over my medical history over the phone. I’ll get a phone call tomorrow some time between 4pm-7pm with information as to what time I should report to the hospital on Monday. I’m a nervous wreck. I asked if I’d need a breathing tube for the surgery and she couldn’t answer me. She said to ask my anesthesiologist the day of the surgery. I’m so afraid. I wish I could just have a local. I’m afraid of going to sleep and not waking up. I’m afraid of the breathing tube. I’m afraid of waking up in the hospital 5 days later with no memory of those 5 days. It’s supposed to be an hour-long surgery and I’m supposed to come home the same night.

I know it’s apples and oranges, but all this talk of the radiation in Japan and the risks of exposure is freaking me out. The news keeps comparing the exposure to numbers of x-rays (10,000) and CAT scans (250). I’ve had at least 8 CAT scans and 1 MRI since October and I still have the actual radiation treatments to face. I’m anxious and afraid and I don’t feel like talking about it tonight so I’m going to end here.

Thanks for coming back every day to read. I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne

Oops!

*** Edited at 12:35am EDT Fri., March 18 to insert correct photo.***

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Photos, Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: anxiety, Photography, Photos, pre-op, radiation, surgery
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