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Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — Tired & Afraid

November 16, 2010 by carol anne 1 Comment

*** Please note this post is not an indication of my not feeling good or that I’ve had a few bad days. In fact I feel great and thankfully I’ve had a string of really good days. ***

I wish I could tell you that I’m a brave patient. You know the one who soldiers on with a stiff upper lip, tons of resolve and a sunny disposition to boot? Yeah, I’m not that person.

It’s 6 weeks since my surgeries and I’ve grown weary of being “sick”. I don’t want to have to ask Chuck to do laundry for me or pick up something I’ve dropped. I don’t want to have to worry about being around too many people for fear of germs. I don’t want to face the stinkin’ kid who stared at me as mass let out last week.

I’m tired of being afraid. I had an episode (TIA) while I was in the hospital, that caused my mouth to droop and for me to be unable to speak correctly for a few minutes. There’s the possibility that it could never happen again and there’s the possibility that it could. I live in mortal terror that it will. Every twitch, every flinch, every everything terrifies me. My panicked thoughts immediately go to, “Is my mouth okay? Can I talk? Can I touch my nose with my eyes closed?”

I suffered from and battled a considerable amount of anxiety while I was in the hospital and the rehab. I was scared the dye from the CAT scan would cause an allergic reaction, I was afraid it would hurt or worse yet my head would bleed when they took the dressing off my head. I was afraid to be alone. Toward the end of my stay at Innova (rehab) I’d grown weary of the IV I received 3 times a day. I’d spend the half hour suffering, desperate to be unhooked again. I was even scared for the pic line to come out for fear that I’d bleed profusely from that artery now that I was on blood thinners. The more my health improved/improves the more I feared/fear something would/will happen to derail my progress.

It’s exhausting to live in fear that something is going to happen. It’s overwhelming when I think ahead to cancer treatments (radiation) and the unknown that lies ahead.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you about my amazing family.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery Tagged: afraid, anxiety, brave, patient, scared, surgery, TIA

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — Excerpts from the Diary

November 10, 2010 by carol anne 1 Comment

Evening kids. Hope everyone’s feeling good tonight. I know I promised my next entry would be about the doctors and nurses who took care of me but I’m pushing that to tomorrow. Tonight I’m dipping into the diary to share my day-to-day ups and downs. 

Friday, October 29

I had a good day today. I took my shot on my own. I did it right. I even got that damn needle guard to release. 

My parents came to visit to with me while Chuck worked and I received a gorgeous Halloween flower arrangement from my cousin-in-law and her fiance. 

Saturday, October 30

Tom and Arlene came to visit and brought Mexican food (my favorite). The company was nice. The food was good. I had a sense of normalcy for a while then I got tired. The ups and downs are rough. I’m not feeling brave tonight. 

Tuesday, November 2

I got my staples out at Dr. Matthews’ office.

Wednesday, November 3

Had a head CTV with dye at Booth Radiology. Got a CD to bring to my appointment with Dr. Bussey on Friday.

Thursday, November 4

No tests today!!! Mom and dad came to visit. 

I must be losing my mind. Heard Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer during Glee preview and burst into tears. 

Friday, November 5

Went to my appointment with Dr. Bussey (neurosurgeon). Passed all the neurological tests. Blood clot on brain has shrunk. Will talk cancer at next appointment after another CTV and an MRI. 

Stopped at Tacconelli’s and Barnes and Noble to celebrate. 

Wednesday, November 10

Some days I do better than others. It’s a down day today. I have a rash on my stomach. It itches but the doctor doesn’t seem too concerned. Said if it gets worse to try to move my appointment with my primary care doctor up. 

Today was my parents’ last day Carol Anne sitting for a while. (at least until Monday) I have to admit I’ve developed a fear of being alone. Thursday and Friday are going to be rough. I apologize ahead of time for the rash of needy phone calls. e-mails, text messages and Facebook updates.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery Tagged: afraid, alone, anxious, diary, parents, rash, sick, surgery

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