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365 Days of Carol Anne

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

June 11, 2011 by carol anne 10 Comments

Day 162

I’m sitting here trying to think of something to talk about that’s not me being bitter or annoyed or upset, but all I can really focus on is how I’m feeling. I mean Chuck bought me a soft pretzel today, he took me for a late lunch/early dinner at Bobby’s Burger Palace and to Capogiro for gelato for  dessert. Today wasn’t a total loss nor was yesterday. But I just can’t shake yesterday. This is the kind of thing that takes all the fight out of me and makes me feel powerless and weak. I hate feeling weak and I hate falling apart. It makes me feel ashamed and like I’m weak and wimping out. I feel ashamed of feeling like I don’t have the strength to make it through my troubles when there are so many who are much sicker than me or worse off than me.

I read a story in the Philadelphia Daily News on Thursday. It was 24 hours at Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia from sunrise to sunrise. Dear God there’s a 16 month old baby who receives 2 doses of chemo per day and she dances in the hallways. How the nurses and doctors show up every day is beyond my comprehension. How does someone swallow up all that sorrow on a daily basis and get out of bed in the morning? How do you tell parents their child is dying? In the Daily News feature they mention that 2 families of children on the oncology floor have signed do not resuscitate orders and another family is considering it. How do the parents make it through? How do the nurses and doctors make it through?

There was a sentence that reached up and bit me, it read …  “Dawn can be a particularly wrenching time at the trauma bay because if a baby has died from sudden infant death syndrome overnight, his parents will usually find him then.” Reading this was like being punched in the stomach. It’s stark matter-of-factness is stunning and breathtaking. How do parents keep breathing and get out of the bed the next day, let alone go on living?

I read stuff like this and I feel as though I should count my blessings and be grateful for my life and all the amazing people who are in it. I don’t know how to justify my being upset over 2 more radiation treatments when there are parents sleeping next to their young children at Children’s Hospital in ICU units and the oncology floor and others going home without their beautiful infants. I seem so stupid and petty and childish getting myself so upset over such small things. I don’t know how to justify my own feelings without feeling ashamed of myself.

I’m struggling tonight and I don’t have any answers. I’m at loose ends and feeling uneasy and ashamed for feeling uneasy and upset and demoralized.

I know the last few blogs haven’t been much in the way of happy updates so thank you once again for continuing to stop by every day. I love you all.

With great love and much affection,

~  Carol Anne

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Photos, Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: 365 Days of Carol Anne, cancer, Photography, Photos, radiation treatments, recovery, surgery

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

June 5, 2011 by carol anne 12 Comments

Day 156

It’s been a lovely weekend full of fun quality time with the hubs and the kitties. Tomorrow, however brings week 5 of my treatments. This week will include at least 2 long afternoon visits. It’s time to narrow the treatment field and so I’ll be on the table and in the mask for a long time on Tuesday and Thursday. I’m not sure what Wednesday will bring.

I’m a little freaked out. The days people take me and pick me up are all mixed up and my appointment times change and the length of my appointments will vary. Before starting treatments I’d have told you that I like change, that I like mixing things up. I never saw myself as inflexible or afraid of change. This time around I can honestly tell you I’m unsettled by changing times and appointments and escorts. I’ve been thriving on monotony and sameness. If you’re so inclined, please say a prayer or light a candle or send positive energy that I make it through this week calm, cool and collected.

Thank you so much for stopping by to read and comment. I love you all.

With much love and great affection,

~ Carol Anne

*** tonight’s rather purple photo brought to you by my new Camera+ app for the iPhone and the fact that I forgot to take tonight’s pic before unwrapping my head for the evening. ***

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Photos, Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: 365 Days of Carol Anne, cancer, Photography, Photos, radiation treatments, recovery, surgery

365 Days of Carol Anne (Catching Up on the Week)

June 4, 2011 by carol anne Leave a Comment

Days 149-154

Hey! Good afternoon my dear lil lambs. I hope today’s post finds you all quite well and enjoying your Saturdays. I’m relaxing and getting ready to go buy soft pretzels to have pretzels in the park with the hubs. Maybe we’ll stop at the duck pond and feed them some cracked corn too.

It’s been a long week and I’ve been tired a lot so the daily posts have been short and without much substance. I thought I’d play catchup this afternoon while I’m not exhausted and my eyes are closing.

Sunday we woke up early and were supposed to head down to Millville for the Millville Airshow. Unfortunately for us the Blue Angels were grounded for a safety violation the weekend before and just as we were getting ready to shower the power went out at Casa de Soapboxville. By the time the power came back on and we transferred the UPSes we use for our computers back from the fish tanks to the computers it was later in the day than we’d anticipated leaving. By the time we made it to Millville there was only an hour left to the show and traffic was non-existent so Chuck mentioned driving down to Cape May for dinner at the Lobster House. I’m always game for a trip to Cape May so off we went down to Cape May for a good meal. We got lucky and were seated right away. This is a minor miracle at the Lobster House, where the wait is often an hour or better. I had fried flounder and the hubs had sautéed scallops. Yum.

We were going to take a walk on the boardwalk in Wildwood but there was no parking to be had for block and blocks and the paid parking lots were asking $20 to park. For the amount of time we were actually going to stay up there we decided against paying to park. So we made our way to Laura’s for fudge for us and salt water taffy to give to folks in the Radiation Oncology department and Chuck’s coworkers. Everyone’s been so good to us I thought that some salt water taffy would be a nice treat to say thanks.

The ride home wasn’t bad either and I managed to get a few pics of the sun and sunset as we drove home. It was a really nice day and at least 10 degrees cooler in Cape May than it was at home.

Monday was Memorial Day and there was a heat advisory, the sun was strong and I had the day off from radiation treatments so I spent the day watching a marathon of the first season of West Wing on DVD. It was nice to relax, drink iced tea and watch one of my most favorite shows.

Tuesday began week 4 of my radiation treatments. As we were driving to the hospital, Donna, who is one of the radiation therapists called to tell me they were having trouble with the machine and that I should come later. Since dad was already waiting for me at the hospital I told her that I’d just wait it out. As it turned out I didn’t get out much later than I normally do. I seriously love those women. I don’t know how they do it but Donna, and Lauren and Maria and Denna and Jill and the new girl who’s name I have yet to remember are always pleasant and smiling and calm. When I worked at the magazine we’d all be pissed off and grouching and bitching that we couldn’t work if there were the slightest problems with the network or computers. How these women maintain such a good attitude on a daily basis is beyond me but I’m incredibly grateful for their good attitudes and daily kindnesses.

Wednesday found me at my halfway point, 15 treatments down, 15 to go. It also found me 234 days into my journey, which began on October 11, 2010. I was 4 weeks and 2 treatments days into my 7 week odyssey of radiation treatments. We ate pizza from Pizzeria Pesto for dinner and got ready to spend time at not 1, but 2 hospitals the next day.

Thursday brought treatment number 16 of 30. For the first time since my treatments began the first number was higher than the second number. I also saw my Oncologist, Dr. Hughes. I got a good report from her. She confirmed that the Neutrogena is the best sunscreen to use and added that I should not be out in the sun without a hat. My head still looks good, my vitals are good, my side effects are minimal and I’m feeling pretty good; a little tired, but pretty good otherwise. Everyone from the radiation therapists to my nurses to Dr. Hughes to Chuck all think my scalp is handling the radiation well.

I’d measure my relief later. I was in a hurry to get to Hahnemann Hospital to see my father. He had a heart catheterization and was scheduled to also have the blockage cleared and stay overnight. When Dr. Kussmaul (hope I’m spelling his name right) did the catheterization he said the blood vessel was too far back and the clog was too small and that surgical intervention or putting in another stent was too dangerous. He instructed my parents to talk to dad’s cardiologist, Dr. Victor to have it treated medically. Because they did not put a stent in dad was able to come home that afternoon. He has an appointment on Wednesday with Dr. Victor.

I’m on the fence about this development. Obviously part of me is glad they didn’t do anything that would be dangerous for dad but I’m also worried about the blockage growing or moving. I’m also worried about what exactly they’ll do for him medically. He’s already on at least 2 blood thinners; Effient and a daily aspirin. He bleeds pretty bad now. I can’t imagine how bad it will get if he’s on yet another blood thinner. I can’t do anything right now so I’ll think more about this on Wednesday when he goes for his appointment. If it’s later in the day maybe I’ll go with to listen to what Dr. Victor has to say.

Friday was a glorious day and since dad was not in the hospital Chuck and I decided to go to the Morris Arboretum after my radiation treatment was done for the day. We stopped in the city on our way out to the arboretum to pick mom up and take her to her weekly hair appointment. It was a long ride out to the arboretum and I was in search of a hat so we stopped at McDonalds for some lunch while searching for a strip mall with a clothing store. There was not a strip mall to be found within 5 miles of the arboretum so I called their gift shop from McDonalds to inquire if they sold hats. They do and so it was off to the arboretum. I was, or course covered in sunscreen — Neutrogena SPF 60 for sensitive skin. I Tweeted last week that I hated the Neutrogena sunscreen because it was too heavy but I did a better job of applying it this time and it wasn’t nearly as heavy, uncomfortable or yucky. I recommend it. I was out all afternoon at the arboretum and am as white as I was when I got up Friday morning.

I bought a straw hat at the gift shop before we set out on the trails. It was a gorgeous sunny, breezy afternoon. The arboretum is beautiful and we had a great day to be there. In addition to beautiful, trees, plants, flowers, fountains and a garden railway I saw quite a few chipmunks, ducks, birds, a spiderweb and a groundhog. The only downside to the day was they are currently playing host to an ungodly amount of gnats. They don’t bite but the swarms are creepy. I’d love to go back in the fall when all the trees are changing color. I bet it’s gorgeous in the snow also.

It took us 2 hours to get home in the weekend traffic. When we got home we took the kitties out for a walk in the beautiful spring sunshine on their leashes. It was a nice half an hour and then in we went to brush them real good and wipe them down from their outside adventures.

I was exhausted by evening and just about barely posted yesterday’s blog. What I wanted to say last night got tabled until today. If you see Chuck give him a hug. If you talk to Chuck tell him he’s a good husband. He took the day of my first radiation treatment off to be with me. He’s taken the last 3 Fridays off to be with me during my radiation treatments then spend the day with me. It’s made the fear and anxiety and worry more manageable to have a nice day to look forward to. Mr. Soapy’s a good egg with a good heart. I’m so blessed that he’s my husband. He’s been with me every step of the way right there by my side. I am well and truly blessed to have him right there by my side.

Okay, time for pretzels at the park. I’ll be back with a daily photo and short post tonight. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment every day. I love you all.

With much love and great affection,

~ Carol Anne

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery Tagged: 365 Days of Carol Anne

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

May 9, 2011 by carol anne 8 Comments

Day 129

Well it’s the night before my treatments start. It has been 211 days since I walked into the ER, 209 days since my first surgery, 208 days since my second surgery, 194 days since I returned home from 13 days in the hospital and 5 days at Innova rehab, 67 days since my biopsy, and 50 days since my third surgery. I got through all of that. I’ll get through this too. I’m going to choose to view the treatments as just another CAT scan or MRI and just soldier through. I’m sure I’ll freak out and cry tomorrow but I’m going to do my best to be brave and focus on the end and making my way through.

The hubs will go with me tomorrow and Friday, dad will be with me Wednesday and Thursday and then next week Chuck will be with me on Mondays and Fridays, dad Tuesdays and Thursdays and Tommy on Wednesdays. I’m so lucky to be surrounded by so many who love me and take such good care of me. I appreciate your love and support and daily visits here. I love you all. Thank you for stopping by to read tonight.

With much love and great affection,

~ Carol Anne

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Photos, Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: 365 Days of Carol Anne, cancer, Photography, Photos, radiation treatments, recovery, surgery

365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

May 1, 2011 by carol anne 1 Comment

Day 121

I’m backdating this very late post to reflect that it is actually May 1st’s post. I’m late again tonight because I’ve been glued to the TV and Twitter and Facebook. Osama Bin Laden was killed today. The news broke into Brothers & Sisters for the president’s speech. I was pretty freaked out as rumors of a presidential statement started to surface on Twitter, even more freaked out as it was intimated that it was in reference to national security. I couldn’t imagine what could possibly have the president making a statement about national security at well past 10pm on a Sunday night. As news of Bin Laden’s death began to leak out and ABC broke in to break the news I was blown away that we were witnessing history as it happened.

I said on Facebook that normally when you’re discussing where you were when something historic happened you’re talking about something tragic. Tonight we can all remember where we were when something good happened. It’s hard and in somewhat bad taste to celebrate death, but I hope the families of those lost on 9/11 and those servicemen and women who died fighting this war have some closure and sleep peacefully tonight.

I’m blown away by the crowds outside the White House, at ground zero and in Times Square. The crowds look and sound like a World Series championship parade. It’s after 1am on Monday morning and the crowds just keep growing. It’s corny but I’m going to say it anyway, God Bless America.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery, Photos, Political Ramblings, Soul Baring Ramblings Tagged: 365 Days of Carol Anne, 9/11, historic event, Osama Bin Laden, Photography, Photos
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