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Author: carol anne

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — Tired & Afraid

November 16, 2010 by carol anne 1 Comment

*** Please note this post is not an indication of my not feeling good or that I’ve had a few bad days. In fact I feel great and thankfully I’ve had a string of really good days. ***

I wish I could tell you that I’m a brave patient. You know the one who soldiers on with a stiff upper lip, tons of resolve and a sunny disposition to boot? Yeah, I’m not that person.

It’s 6 weeks since my surgeries and I’ve grown weary of being “sick”. I don’t want to have to ask Chuck to do laundry for me or pick up something I’ve dropped. I don’t want to have to worry about being around too many people for fear of germs. I don’t want to face the stinkin’ kid who stared at me as mass let out last week.

I’m tired of being afraid. I had an episode (TIA) while I was in the hospital, that caused my mouth to droop and for me to be unable to speak correctly for a few minutes. There’s the possibility that it could never happen again and there’s the possibility that it could. I live in mortal terror that it will. Every twitch, every flinch, every everything terrifies me. My panicked thoughts immediately go to, “Is my mouth okay? Can I talk? Can I touch my nose with my eyes closed?”

I suffered from and battled a considerable amount of anxiety while I was in the hospital and the rehab. I was scared the dye from the CAT scan would cause an allergic reaction, I was afraid it would hurt or worse yet my head would bleed when they took the dressing off my head. I was afraid to be alone. Toward the end of my stay at Innova (rehab) I’d grown weary of the IV I received 3 times a day. I’d spend the half hour suffering, desperate to be unhooked again. I was even scared for the pic line to come out for fear that I’d bleed profusely from that artery now that I was on blood thinners. The more my health improved/improves the more I feared/fear something would/will happen to derail my progress.

It’s exhausting to live in fear that something is going to happen. It’s overwhelming when I think ahead to cancer treatments (radiation) and the unknown that lies ahead.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you about my amazing family.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery Tagged: afraid, anxiety, brave, patient, scared, surgery, TIA

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — The Nurses

November 11, 2010 by carol anne 2 Comments

Prior to this 13 day stay at Cooper University Hospital and additional 5 days at Innova Rehab the only time I’d spent in the hospital was when I was 4 years old. If you’ve never spent any time in the hospital you have no idea how hard nurses work and just how difficult their job is.

They are for all intents and purposes your primary caregivers. In addition to actual medical duties like administering medications, drawing blood and checking vital signs (as if that wasn’t a full time job in and of itself) the same people help you in and out of bed, help you on to the bedpan or toilet, wipe you, bathe you, clothe you, change your sheets and make your bed. Oh and they bring you three meals a day and take your tray away when you’re done. It takes a special sort of someone to do all of that and maintain not only a pleasant demeanor but also treat each patient (and their family) with patience and kindness.

It’s hard to be helpless, it’s even harder to have to ask another person, a stranger no less, to help you on to a bedpan and then have to have them wipe you when you are done I was mortified to have to ask the nurses in the critical care ICU to do this for me. Not once did I feel like I was troubling them. The dignity and respect I was treated with was humbling. The nurses I encountered during my time in the hospital and rehab were nothing short of amazing.

There are some days I just don’t remember so there are some nurses I just can’t tell you about. The nurses mentioned below are not the only ones who did a great job they are the ones who stick out most in my mind.

Cathy/Christie/Something with a C – I woke up on Friday. On Saturday I needed a Cat Scan. I was very anxious but didn’t want to be knocked out and miss out on visiting with my family, who were all back in my room. She promised to give me something mild. But that’s not what sticks out in my mind most about her. She talked to me and Chuck (he was allowed to come with me) about her pets and her upcoming trip to New York to help soothe our jangled nerves while we waited for the Cat Scan. Most of all I remember her saying, “I’ll stay with you. I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

Chatty Frank – He was my nurse Saturday night. All of my nurses were friendly and talkative but Frank was especially kind, chatty and personable. He let Chuck stay and watch a movie with me on my laptop until after 11pm. It may not seem like a big deal but it was to me. It allowed me to doze off to sleep with Chuck by my side. It was a great comfort and it made one of my first nights awake and alert in ICU less scary.

Richelle and Rosemarie – Richelle and Rosemarie took care of me on Sunday and Monday. I was feeling better by now and was more talkative. I don’t know how to explain it to you so that it makes sense but their presence was comforting. They talked to me. Not that my other nurses hadn’t but now that I was in better shape the interaction helped quiet my anxiety and made me feel safe.

Melissa (I think that was her name) – I moved to the ICU step down unit and got my first real taste of being out on the actual hospital floor. My room was right in front of the nurses station so I heard it all. I especially enjoyed listening to rounds every day. During my stay on this unit students nurses visited for two days. Melissa (I hope that was her name) “adopted” me. She helped me get washed in the bathroom and let me wash what I could of myself while I stood. She even washed my feet for me. Really, you just don’t know how hard it is to have to have complete strangers help you clean yourself. And how much less uncomfortable Melissa made it by talking to me and chatting away like two washer women. Don’t ever doubt that it is the little things that make the difference. They do.

I think this is long enough so I’ll end here. I’ll write about the rehab nurses in another post.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery Tagged: Cooper University Hospital, hospital, ICU, Innova Rehab, nurses, surgery

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — Excerpts from the Diary

November 10, 2010 by carol anne 1 Comment

Evening kids. Hope everyone’s feeling good tonight. I know I promised my next entry would be about the doctors and nurses who took care of me but I’m pushing that to tomorrow. Tonight I’m dipping into the diary to share my day-to-day ups and downs. 

Friday, October 29

I had a good day today. I took my shot on my own. I did it right. I even got that damn needle guard to release. 

My parents came to visit to with me while Chuck worked and I received a gorgeous Halloween flower arrangement from my cousin-in-law and her fiance. 

Saturday, October 30

Tom and Arlene came to visit and brought Mexican food (my favorite). The company was nice. The food was good. I had a sense of normalcy for a while then I got tired. The ups and downs are rough. I’m not feeling brave tonight. 

Tuesday, November 2

I got my staples out at Dr. Matthews’ office.

Wednesday, November 3

Had a head CTV with dye at Booth Radiology. Got a CD to bring to my appointment with Dr. Bussey on Friday.

Thursday, November 4

No tests today!!! Mom and dad came to visit. 

I must be losing my mind. Heard Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer during Glee preview and burst into tears. 

Friday, November 5

Went to my appointment with Dr. Bussey (neurosurgeon). Passed all the neurological tests. Blood clot on brain has shrunk. Will talk cancer at next appointment after another CTV and an MRI. 

Stopped at Tacconelli’s and Barnes and Noble to celebrate. 

Wednesday, November 10

Some days I do better than others. It’s a down day today. I have a rash on my stomach. It itches but the doctor doesn’t seem too concerned. Said if it gets worse to try to move my appointment with my primary care doctor up. 

Today was my parents’ last day Carol Anne sitting for a while. (at least until Monday) I have to admit I’ve developed a fear of being alone. Thursday and Friday are going to be rough. I apologize ahead of time for the rash of needy phone calls. e-mails, text messages and Facebook updates.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery Tagged: afraid, alone, anxious, diary, parents, rash, sick, surgery

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery)

November 8, 2010 by carol anne 3 Comments

Bear with me. You’re going to get this story in bits and pieces. There are parts I can’t remember, parts I don’t want to remember and so much that I want to say. When I finally made it home after 17 days in the hospital and a rehabilitation facility Chuck encouraged me to write every day and so I have, in a notebook. At first I wasn’t sure what I wanted to share. This is my story (so far) to the best of my recollection.

On Monday, October 11 my life changed forever. I went to the ER for something I thought was minor and hoped to be out in time to still take my parents to Cape May for the day. I was wrong. I woke up on Friday in the ICU. I’d had brain surgery and had a breathing tube down my throat. 

I don’t remember much from Mon.-Fri. I remember going to the ER, I remember the doctor telling me I was being transferred to a different hospital, I remember Chuck holding my hand as I waited to go in for the first surgery and I remember waking up on Friday. 

It’s been 29 days since I walked into the ER. Thirteen of those days were spent in the hospital as I moved from Critical Care ICU to a step down unit and then finally a regular room, On day 13 I moved to a rehabilitation facility to continue receiving IV antibiotics. I spent 5 days there before finally coming home on October 27.

The past 29 days have yielded ups and downs, successes and set backs and lots of fear and anxiety. But most of all my days have been filled with love. I haven’t spent one day alone since this whole ordeal began. My husband, parents and brother and sister-in-law have rearranged their lives and spent countless hours by my bedside and keeping me company at home. Old friends and former coworkers have come out of the woodwork to love and support me. People I don’t know prayed for me. 

In a letter my aunt Gloria wrote to me, “Every morning I thank God for another day.” Amen.

More tomorrow. I’ll tell you about my wonderful nurses and doctors.

Posted in: Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery Tagged: hospital, rehabilitation facility, surgery
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