Author: carol anne

Reverb 10 — Community

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Pat's Orchid

 

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

 

This year I’ve discovered community within my own family. Getting sick opened my eyes to how incredible each and every member of my family is and how important it is to just be there. It’s the showing up that’s important. This is something I didn’t understand until now. In fact it is the single biggest lesson I learned in 2010, perhaps the single biggest lesson I learned in my life. 

I’m so ashamed to tell this story now but it illustrates how little I knew about the importance of showing up and just being there. A few years ago my sister-in-law’s brother Pat died after a lengthy illness. Everyone was at my brother’s house and my mother called to ask if I was going to to there after work. I said no. My brother was sick with a bad cold  and Arlene’s brother had just died. Her whole family and my parents were at their house. I thought the last thing she needs is two more people to entertain I know now that when you’re at your lowest you need to be surrounded by friends and family. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there that night. I didn’t understand how important your presence actually is. If you ever find yourself wondering if you are needed or if you’ll just be in the way know that you are needed and your presence is very much appreciated. 

You can read more about my amazing family here. 

 

Now totally switching gears — the community I’d very much like to be part of in 2011 is the political blogging community. I wold love to add my voice to the multitude of voices already out there. I think I have something to say ‘d like to add to the discourse. I don’t know if that means creating a blog separate from Soapboxville that is solely a political blog or just choosing to write more politically themed blogs right here.

Reverb 10 — Make

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Nanny's Apple Cake

Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

 
I guess the last thing I made was my mom’s chicken wings on October 10. I’ve been learning to cook and improving my limited cooking skills this year and finally got up the nerve to try mom’s chicken wings. They were pretty good too. I used too much oil so they were a bit greasy but very tasty. I’ll know better for next time. 

I’d love to make my grandmother’s (Nanny) apple cake again. Before I got sick we were planning to make our own Thanksgiving dinner here either right before or right after Thanksgiving. I’d love to carry through with that plan in January and roast my very first turkey.

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — Encouraging Words

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Hey! Good early morning kids. I hope this morning’s post finds you all well and enjoying your Sunday.

Yesterday’s post was a me feeling sorry for myself wasn’t it? What can I say? I have my days. But as with everything else this too passes. I went this morning for my blood work then the hubs took me to Target to buy multicolored lights for the Christmas Tree and then to Talluto’s and Duffield’s to buy lunch meat and a tomato for lunch. One almost four hour nap later we ran out to Liscio’s Bakery to buy a few slices of tomato pie.

I never did get around to putting the lights on the tree. I did however read some encouraging words. My Aunt Gloria, who I think might actually be my great aunt lives in Florida and has been through quite a few health problems. She’s been sending me cards and writing me letters since I got home from the hospital. In this week’s letter, which I didn’t actually sit down and read until this evening she writes, “Believe me time heals all.” She closes with, “I sure hope you soon see the light at the end of the tunnel, believe me with time it comes. Over time I have learned to enjoy each day.”

Before I sat down to read Aunt Gloria’s letter I received a Facebook message from my cousin Alice. She writes, “Hi Carol Anne – Thinking of you. I read a bit of your blog. I don’t think any of us like to relinquish control. We come to realize that it is all an illusion anyway. When I practice giving up my will, things get alot easier. When I take it back (which I often do), everything goes haywire. This is the basis for the famous 12 step programs. I repeat to myself, “Gods will be done, not mine”. It is a daily practice. The more I practice, the more faith I muster. Praying for you and your family. One day at a time.”

Amazing how God sends what you need when you need it. I’m so grateful for everyone who has taken the time to think of me or offer me a kind or supportive word. Thank you.

Reverb 10 — Let Go

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Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

 
Thankfully I haven’t had to let go of anyone this year. I did have a very real fear that I would have to let go of my father this past June but thankfully he’s okay. There’s a lot that I wish I could tell you I’ve let go of this year but that’s a therapy session in and of itself.

Write, He Said (Major Surgery & the Road to Recovery) — Upcoming Doctors’ Appointments, Blood Tests, An MRI and Fear of the Unknown

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Hey! Good evening kids. It’s going to be a bit of this, that and the other thing tonight. It’s been a while since last we spoke. I caught a cold over Thanksgiving weekend and have been kind of miserable. I did manage to write one politically themed post but I just wasn’t up to writing about recovery this week. I’d say it was kind of nice to just have the common cold this week instead of having cancer and recovering from brain surgery but I spent most of the week monitoring my temperature making sure I didn’t spike a fever. 

I spent most of Monday morning making doctor appointments and scheduling blood tests, a Cat Scan, an MRI, a flu shot and a pneumonia shot. In about ten minutes I’ll have to finish drinking my soda and fast until my scheduled 9:30am blood test appointment. I was scheduled to get the flu shot directly thereafter but since I’ve been sick all week that had to be rescheduled until next Sunday, which is the day after I’m scheduled to have both the MRI and the Cat Scan. 

Hopefully I’ll be able to get my pneumonia shot on Monday. We’ll see what the doctor says. I get a break on Tuesday I have no doctor appointments scheduled. On Wednesday I head back to the plastic surgeon’s office to see if the two big scabs on my head are ready to come off *shudder*. I’m totally freaked out about this appointment. 

I wonder if other people worry about upcoming medical procedures like I do. I’m so consumed with worry that in removing the scabs from my head the doctor will make me bleed. I’m on blood thinners and I’m terrified I’ll bleed heavily and end up in the hospital. I realize that she’s a medical professional and I should put my trust in her but all I can focus (fixate?) on is things going terribly wrong. (I worry in technicolor and I have an amazing imagination) The same goes for the MRI, Cat Scan, flu shot and pneumonia shot. I’m worried I’ll have some horrifying allergic reaction to the dye/vaccine and end up dead or in the ER. I know I should have faith in God and in my wonderful doctors but I can’t seem to let myself relax and put it in their hands. It’s like I blogged about earlier this year in On Flying Planes & Treating Depression. I have no control over what happens. I can’t make the scabs come off cleanly. I can’t even watch because they’re in the back of my head. I can’t control what the dyes/vaccines are going to do to my body. I don’t know how to deal with that. I like being in charge. I like controlling my circumstances. I’m afraid and I can’t do anything to fix that. I have Xanax for the MRI, which they tell me should last about half an hour but I can’t exactly go around popping Xanax every time I have to have a shot or take a pill though I very well may request a full prescription and stay on it during radiation treatments. I’m not sure I’ll be able to tough those out on my own. I can’t bring myself to worry about these in detail just yet. 

Once the scabs come off and the plastic surgeon clears me for radiation the neurosurgeon and his tumor team (really, they couldn’t have come up with a better name?) will use the information from next Saturday’s MRI to plan my radiation treatment. No matter what happens I have an appointment with the neurosurgeon to check my progress and to see if the blood clot has shrunk any more on Dec. 17, which is 3 days before my 38th birthday and 8 days before Christmas. I’m hoping for all good news but I’m worried about that too. It’s not as if I can look in the mirror and see if the clot in my brain has continued to shrink. I can’t monitor whether or not the tumor is in there growing as we wait for my head to heal. The uncertainty, the inability to control any of this makes me feel powerless and out of control. I can’t do anything to make anything better. All I can do is wait and do as the doctors tell me to do, take my medicine and have faith in God and the doctors. 

I wish I could tell you that I have that kind of faith but I suppose I just don’t. I believe in God, I pray, I go to church. I have faith, I do. I believe that God loves us all and that he’s there at the very darkest moments holding our hands and helping us through. I believe he doesn’t send us more than we can handle but the worry wart in me can’t get past knowing that bad things happen to good people every day and no one gets through live without suffering. I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to be sick and I hate this being powerless to do anything but trust. I don’t want to trust. I want to do. I’m scared and I have moments when I’m overwhelmed with anxiety. I can’t be the only person who feels this way, right? 

I read these blogs of people who are going through so much worse than I am and they write so eloquently about their trials and tribulations and how they’ve put their faith in God. I feel so much less faithful than they are. I feel like a coward reading these stories of people facing sickness and hardship head on. If it were up to me I’d run screaming as far away as possible. If you’re one of those people and you’re reading. How do you do it?