Because I Promised I’d Always Openly Share My Truths

I’m feeling a little raw tonight. When I ended the 365 Days of Carol Anne blog on December 31, 2011 I decided not to write about my health and/or assorted medical hijinks. I suppose I was a little delusional that with that declaration that the cancer journey would slow down or come to a close. When I started writing about my surgeries and my cancer I promised I’d always share my real and honest truth so tonight I share with you my real truth at the 2 year, 8 month, and 2 week mark. Things are not perfect and I’m feeling tired and a little ugly.

It’s been 2 years, 8 months, and 2 weeks since I walked into the ER on October 11, 2010. It’s been 2 years, 8 months, and 12 days since my first surgery. Since October 11, 2010 I’ve spent 20 1/2 days in the hospital and 4 1/2 days in a rehab (aka nursing home), I’ve had had 6 surgeries, 32 radiation treatments, I’ve lost count on the total of MRIs, blood work, and doctor appointments I’ve had since that day.

I’m tired, tired of feeling like I live in doctors’ offices, tired of scheduling my life around doctor appointments and medical tests, tired of being bald, tired of not being able to wear a wig and sad that my hair will never grow back. It’s been 2 years, 8 months, and 12 days and after 3 skin grafts and 1 muscle flap surgery that leaves me with limited use of my left arm there are still 2 spots on my head where the skin has yet to fully grow back. I saw the plastic surgeon on Monday and the advice is always the same, just keep babying it along, it will get better, blah, blah, blah.

I’m so grateful to be alive and to be cancer-free, but there are days when hope for better days isn’t enough. It’s hard to keep fighting, it’s hard to keep trying to be positive, and it’s hard not to feel ugly or disfigured.