I’ve started to read over this last year’s worth of blogs. I’m working on a year end wrap up and a retrospective of my best photos of 2011. I started reading last night and continued throughout today. The one thing that stood out to me as I read was nowhere in this year’s blogs do I sound weak. It was surprising to me to read back because in my mind I’ve been whimpering, weak, shell of a person. I was surprised as I read that in fact I was not weak.
I started this 365 Days project so that I would learn to love the woman looking back in the mirror and I can 100% tell you that I did not accomplish this goal. I’ll try again next year. However, I also chose to write about my illness and all that went with being a cancer patient. This aspect of the project started back in 2010 when I first got out of the hospital as a way to focus and center myself. It continued and threaded its way through the 365 Days project. I chose to be up front and honest and tell the good, the bad and the ugly. As I read back I realized that I’d been brave and scared and grateful and angry and anxious and strong. I’ve had moments of intense fear and intense joy. I’ve had epic meltdowns and I’ve managed to pull myself together and get back in the game each time. I’ve been both at my best and at my worst but at no time have I been weak. That right there is the benefit of this project, I may not have learned to love my appearance and maybe I never will but in reading back I saw myself in a different light.
I AM NOT WEAK • I SURVIVED
I’ll be back in a few days to write a better year-end wrap up and photo retrospective but for now I’ll just say thank you for reading. I love you all.
With Much Love and Great Affection,
~ Carol Anne