Day 320

So it’s been a little quiet around here lately, yes? I haven’t had much to say. I’ve been very lazy in keeping up with the daily photos for which I’m quite disappointed in myself. I don’t have much of an excuse other to say that I’m finally sleeping through the night and I’ve been unwilling to jeopardize that by forcing myself to stay awake to write or finish a blog post.

Since last we spoke I’ve developed an infatuation with the show Gossip Girl. Between Netflix Streaming, Hulu.com and the CW’s website I’ve watched every episode of every season save for this week’s, which is not up on the website yet. I’ve always taken an interest (read: gotten obsessed) in taking blue hour photos (you can see those here) and oh yeah, I’ve spent quite a bit of time wallowing in self pity.

Yeah, about that … I’m scheduled for my 4th surgery in 14 months. I am having yet another skin graft surgery. Yesterday I saw Dr. Matthews, my plastic surgeon for my pre-op visit, which mostly consisted of me signing forms and asking questions. I am not to get sick beforehand or that will cancel the surgery.

I will go to the hospital in the afternoon (time subject to change) and the surgery will last about 3 hours. Dr. Matthews tells me that 30 minutes of that time will be spent just getting me in place. I’ll be in the hospital 2-3 days. I should be able to wear a scarf, but not my wig by the end of the month for my birthday and Christmas outings.

I know this is me whining but I’m weary of this process. I’m weary of needing for my head to be wrapped, I’m weary of having to shower when Chuck’s home so he can wrap my head directly thereafter. (the wound is not to get dried out) I very much want my freedom back, I very much want to get a job and go back to school. I want some sort of certainty that I’m not going to be a professional patient for the rest of my life. I realize this is not a broken leg and that it’s not just going to be set, casted and heal but I need an end to all of this. I need a proposed end date. I need something to cling to. There are no guarantees that this surgery will work. In fact if this surgery does not work there is a 10 hour surgery in my future. I don’t want this. I know that life is uncertain on a daily basis but normal lives have a degree of certainty to them. At this point mine does not and again I have no control over anything. I’m grasping at the rope of control in desperation and it just continues to elude my grasp.

Thank you for stopping by to read every day. I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne