So my day started with this Facebook update, “It’s a gloriously chilly August morning here in NJ and blessedly silent. I can hear the cricket out back cricketing and nothing else, no air conditioners, no fans just the blessed sounds of silence. I needed this today.” I was blissfully happy, so much so that I never turned on the morning news. All the windows were open, it was just such a lovely morning. then came 1:51pm. I was siting on the couch getting ready to make myself lunch when I felt this swaying feeling. At first I thought it was Cuppy pulling the pillow out from under my legs. A glance at the floor quickly disproved this theory, Cuppy was nowhere near me. Then the panic hit me, hard. While I was in the hospital in October I had a TIA (small stroke). I thought the wobbly unbalanced swaying feeling was another TIA. For a moment I was lost in the desperate panic and fear that theory brought about. Once I was able to look around the room I realized Cuppy and Snowy were running around looking scared. I grabbed my phone and ran outside to find out if anyone else felt it. Sure enough people were outside and as freaked out as I was. My one neighbor was on his way inside to call emergency services to report it. Secure in the knowledge that I was not having an episode and that it wasn’t just our house I called Chuck to let him know that we’d just experienced an earthquake.
I headed back inside to listen to KYW. I turned on the Weather Channel just as they were reporting the breaking news about the earthquake in Virginia. We are more than 200 miles away from Virginia so I was sure that we’d had an earthquake too. (I was wrong) I went back outside to report what I’d heard only to find more neighbors outside. At this point neither my cell phone nor my home phone would dial out. I texted Chuck, my brother, my sister-in-law and a friend. I updated my Facebook status to read, “Holy Hell! We just had an earthquake! #terrified #still shaking” *laughs* What a difference a few hours makes.
Earlier in the day when I’d been blissfully soaking up the chilly morning air and being still in the silence my mind went back to 9/11 and how it too had been a glorious late summer morning. I pushed the thought out of my head and went back to basking in the gloriousness of the morning. The lesson I’ve learned this year is that it all can change in the blink of an eye. Thankfully nothing tragic happened today and no one was killed but I find myself rattled at the instantness with which I can summon the fear of that night in the hospital. I’ve been battling anxiety since I found out that the cancer may not be gone and I was feeling jangly last night. I haven’t been sleeping well, so this morning was a welcome change from all the noise and rain and heat. I’d slept a few good hours without the aid of Tylenol PM and I was feeling peaceful. So I ask you my fellow cancer patients, survivors and those who’ve been through major or chronic illnesses does it get better? Does the anxiety eventually ebb? Can you still instantly recall the fear of the worst days? Is there some way to control this?
Thanks for stopping by every day. I love you all.
With much love and great affection,
~ Carol Anne