“Never think that God’s delays are God’s denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.”
— Georges-Louis Leclerc
Advice I just gave someone …
Don’t let him dwell in the negative. Tell him so what if you fell apart. Put yourself back together and get on with it. It’s all you really can do in life.
So with those words I’ll tell you that this was supposed to be my celebratory weekend. This was supposed to be the weekend I got my ears re-pierced. This was supposed to be a happy time. As it turned out, not so much.
I’m a goal-oriented person. I set my mind on making it through the radiation treatments and reaching a finish line. I put it in my head that I can do anything for 6 weeks. I didn’t do well when the radiation treatments’ finish line moved and 6 weeks became 8 weeks. So you can imagine that I’m most certainly not handling this much bigger finish line’s repositioning. I had a mostly good day today. We relaxed, we had Taco Bell for dinner, we grocery shopped. We spent time together. I’m knitting myself together again.
I’m surrounded by love and support and people who reached out to me and others who simply said we’re here when you need us. I did however have a big falling out with someone who felt slighted and hurt by my need for time to hurt and to be broken. I don’t know how to feel about this. Is there a right way and a wrong way to fall apart? Is there an appropriate time frame in which one should pull themselves together? Is there a right way and a wrong way to grieve? Because that’s what this feels like, grief.
In addition to my own feelings of shock and disappointment and yes, grief, I’m fighting some heavy feelings of guilt. Was my need to not talk selfish? Did I hurt those who have been so good to me for so long? Did I go about this the wrong way? It was never my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings. There was no agenda involved. I was/am way too broken to have any sort of agenda about anything. I’m left feeling confused and burdened and villainized.
This whole experience seems like one gigantic horrific exercise in learning to give up control. I can’t control the cancer, I can’t control the outcome of medical tests, I can’t control the time frame and I can’t control how my actions make others feel. So is this the universe’s way of telling me to give up trying to control my world? Is this the universe telling me that I should be kinder to others and think less about myself so that their feelings are spared?
This is a lot to wrestle with tonight so I’m just going to lay my head on the pillow and to quote Scarlett O’Hara, “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” I’m doing the best I can right now and trying to pull myself together enough to hope for the best. I feel bad that I don’t seem to be handling this cancer thing the right way. I’m truly sorry to anyone whose feelings I’ve hurt along the way. Believe me when I say, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
Thank you all for stopping by every day, I love you all.
~ Carol Anne