Day 210

Believe you can and you’re halfway there.

—  Theodore Roosevelt

I have a confession to make, I’m very superstitious. I believe in bad luck and jinxing yourself. I keep envisioning myself typing the words I’m cancer free. But then I’m overcome with fear. I’m afraid that I’ll jinx myself. I’m afraid to hope for the best. I’m afraid to be optimistic because I’m afraid the fall will be that much further if I’m not cancer free. By this time next week I’ll know one way or the other. I’m terrified. I keep trying to focus on anything else but I’m still having moments when the thought knocks the wind out of me.

Be brave and mighty forces will come to your aid.

—  Basil King

My Great Aunt Gloria wrote to me in a letter, “Faith is very important.” I believe in God. I pray to God. But I suppose my faith is not strong because I cannot let go of this fear. I truly believe that I have come this far because so many people have prayed for me. I’m so blessed to have so many to pray for me. The thing is I cannot let go of the knowledge that bad things happen to good people every day. How? Why? I have faith that everything happens for a reason and that all prayers are answered, perhaps just not the answers were are looking for.

My cousin Alice wrote to me on Facebook a while back. She said, “I don’t think any of us like to relinquish control. We come to realize that it is all an illusion anyway. When I practice giving up my will, things get alot easier. When I take it back (which I often do), everything goes haywire. This is the basis for the famous 12 step programs. I repeat to myself, “Gods will be done, not mine”. It is a daily practice. The more I practice, the more faith I muster.”

I think knowing that I do not control the outcome and that no matter what I do the outcome will be the outcome is at the root of my fear.  You should probably expect me to be edgy, snappy, and anxious this week. I apologize ahead of time. I’m sorry I snapped at you, had a bad attitude, didn’t hear a word you said because I was too busy worrying myself to death. Did I mention snapping at you? Yeah, I’m sorry. Ice cream cones for everyone who doesn’t hate me by the end of the week.  Thanks for stopping by every day, I love you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne