Seriously, what the eff? Are they fucking kidding me? Screw all the philosophical crap from Sunday. I’m fucking pissed off and depressed and feeling weak and powerless. I feel like I’m serving a prison sentence and they keep dangling the chance of parole in front of me only to pull it away and say, “Psyche! Nope you’re not getting out of here. What are you kidding?” All the while cackling maniacally. I’ve somehow stumbled into the Hotel California/Bermuda Triangle of radiation treatments.
I’ve gone from 6 weeks and 2 days with an end date of June 21 to an end date of June 22 because the machine broke down on May 11th (my 2nd day) then finding out that it’s actually 32 treatments instead of 30 with an end date of June 24 making this odyssey a full 7 weeks and now with today’s machine breakdown (the timing belt of all things is busted) I move in to an 8th week. This ever moving finish line is more than I can bear and were it up to me yesterday would have been my last treatment (#23) and up until about 8:30pm it was my last treatment. I don’t have it in me to keep going on with this but Chuck said if I give up now everything he and my parents and Tommy and Arlen have done for me will have been for nothing so on I go. I don’t know what the universe means for me to do but Chuck wants me to see this through to the end so I suppose I’ll do that.
I don’t know what to say that doesn’t make me seem like I’m behaving like a petulant child or weak-willed so I’ll just stop here for tonight. I’m exhausted.