I’m sitting here trying to think of something to talk about that’s not me being bitter or annoyed or upset, but all I can really focus on is how I’m feeling. I mean Chuck bought me a soft pretzel today, he took me for a late lunch/early dinner at Bobby’s Burger Palace and to Capogiro for gelato for dessert. Today wasn’t a total loss nor was yesterday. But I just can’t shake yesterday. This is the kind of thing that takes all the fight out of me and makes me feel powerless and weak. I hate feeling weak and I hate falling apart. It makes me feel ashamed and like I’m weak and wimping out. I feel ashamed of feeling like I don’t have the strength to make it through my troubles when there are so many who are much sicker than me or worse off than me.
I read a story in the Philadelphia Daily News on Thursday. It was 24 hours at Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia from sunrise to sunrise. Dear God there’s a 16 month old baby who receives 2 doses of chemo per day and she dances in the hallways. How the nurses and doctors show up every day is beyond my comprehension. How does someone swallow up all that sorrow on a daily basis and get out of bed in the morning? How do you tell parents their child is dying? In the Daily News feature they mention that 2 families of children on the oncology floor have signed do not resuscitate orders and another family is considering it. How do the parents make it through? How do the nurses and doctors make it through?
There was a sentence that reached up and bit me, it read … “Dawn can be a particularly wrenching time at the trauma bay because if a baby has died from sudden infant death syndrome overnight, his parents will usually find him then.” Reading this was like being punched in the stomach. It’s stark matter-of-factness is stunning and breathtaking. How do parents keep breathing and get out of the bed the next day, let alone go on living?
I read stuff like this and I feel as though I should count my blessings and be grateful for my life and all the amazing people who are in it. I don’t know how to justify my being upset over 2 more radiation treatments when there are parents sleeping next to their young children at Children’s Hospital in ICU units and the oncology floor and others going home without their beautiful infants. I seem so stupid and petty and childish getting myself so upset over such small things. I don’t know how to justify my own feelings without feeling ashamed of myself.
I’m struggling tonight and I don’t have any answers. I’m at loose ends and feeling uneasy and ashamed for feeling uneasy and upset and demoralized.
I know the last few blogs haven’t been much in the way of happy updates so thank you once again for continuing to stop by every day. I love you all.
With great love and much affection,
~ Carol Anne