Day 141

I’m back. Many thanks to Mr. Soapy for filling in and many thanks to all of you for your thoughtful words for Chuck and good wishes for me.

I had a bad day yesterday. I overreacted a bit but the shock of finding out that my head was bleeding was overwhelming. I’m not well equipped to deal with the ups and downs that seem to go with the day-to-day life of being a cancer patient. I’m a control freak and a creature of habit. I want things my way on my terms. Well, you just can’t have that while you’re dealing with this insidious disease and it’s proving to be my undoing.

I was in the shower that morning thinking that I was glad that I had decided not to take the Xanax for the duration of my treatments because I’ve finally made it to the shorter appointments and am much calmer now. I don’t need the Xanax. I love my radiation team (in alpha order) Denna, Donna, Jill, Lauren, and Maria. They’re all so kind and comforting and efficient. They’ve made me feel at ease since my first appointment. As scared, ornery and anxious as I was those first days they were patient, kind and understanding. You could ask for no better care than my two nurses Pat and Tricia (also in alpha order) who bandage my head after my treatments and offer comfort and support every day. I’ve already told you how much I like my Oncologist Dr. Hughes.

I was happy as I got ready to go to the hospital Friday morning. Chuck had the day off and we had plans to go see Pirates of the Caribbean and get his new glasses afterward. I was calm and relaxed as I waited in the waiting room to be called for my treatment. The radiation girls are an efficient streamlined crew and I was radiated and done in no time. I went out to the nursing station to have my head bandaged and put my necklace on while I waited for Tricia to come in to the room. She said she saw some blood and thought that maybe a blister had burst. She’d taken a photo of my head the day before and thought she’d seen a blister there. She went out of the room to get saline water to clean me up and once she started cleaning I realized there must be a lot of blood. I panicked and fell apart once I saw the gauze she was using to wipe my head clean.

She went and got Chuck for me. I don’t remember much after that. I remember she said that it was the size of a pinhole. Chuck confirmed this fact while trying to calm me down later in the evening. I remember crying and hyperventilating. I remember Tricia hugged me on my way out. I told Chuck that maybe I didn’t want to continue treatments if they were going to impede the progress my head is finally making. I’m 7 months and 10 days into this whole experience and every time I think things are going well and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel the train somehow gets derailed. I’m exhausted and scared and weary. I really need for this to be over. I know there are many who are much sicker than I am and those who are years into fighting their cancer and that I have no right to be so upset over some very minor setbacks, but I’m weary nonetheless. I’m not sure if that makes me weak or human. I’m hoping for human.

I eventually settled down and so we went to the 12noon showing of Pirates of the Caribbean in Cherry Hill. I ate popcorn and played with my iPhone, Chuck watched and enjoyed the movie. It was entertaining and Keith Richards had the best line in the movie, “Do you think this face has seen the fountain of youth?” *laughs* We stopped at Wegmans for some stuffed olives, some yummy cheeses and 2 gallons of Natalie’s Orchid Island orange juice. We ran a few errands to buy birdseed to fill the bird feeder out back and peanuts for the Blue Jays and squirrels. We stopped at Outback to pick up burgers for dinner and finally headed home for the night.

After dinner we talked again about my wanting to stop treatments and the events of the day and I just completely fell apart. Chuck comforted me and suggested that I lay down and go to sleep. I fought it for a while but then decided I was doing myself no favors by fighting it and asked Chuck to fill in to complete my daily post. I’d actually asked him prior to this incident to keep the updates going during radiation if I had days where I felt too tired or too sick or too anything to blog that night. He’s a good egg and agreed to take the reins if ever I needed him too. Last night he kept that promise. I told him that he could tell all and that nothing was off limits.

I’m calmer today. We had a nice early dinner at TGI Fridays then finally went to Lens Crafters to get Chuck’s new glasses. I think I’ll go to my treatment on Monday and see what’s comes of it. If my head really starts to have problems I may very well stop the treatments either permanently or until my head can heal better. I’m terrified of needing another surgery. I just can’t do that again. I really am ready for all of this to be over.

This project is important to me and I want to see it through to the end. I’ve been honest on a daily basis. My biggest fear during this whole process has been of the unknown, I hope by sharing my day-to-day ups and downs I’ll help someone else make their way through their process. If I can get through this anyone can get through this.

Thank you for coming back every day to read and comment. Your love and support mean the world to me. I love you all. Chuck loves you all.

Love,

~ Carol Anne