Day 60
It’s day 60 and I had hoped to be well on my way to being done with all things cancer by the time this post came around. Instead I’m in limbo. I feel like shit. I have a cold and I made my mother cry today.
If you recall I had to have a CAT scan of my neck a few weeks ago. The doctor called to let me know that I have two slightly enlarged lymph nodes and need to have a PET scan before anything else goes forward to rule out that the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. He says it’s rare that basal cell cancer spreads but he has to rule it out before anything else can go forward.
I’m scared, I’m sure my husband’s scared and like I said I made my mother cry. I feel like shit. As if my family hasn’t been through enough with me now I have to go and throw a monkey wrench in everything. *sobs* I told a friend that I was feeling defeated and she said that I should get angry. That I should use that anger to my advantage to help me fight. I know she’s right but right now all I feel is scared and exhausted. I don’t want any more tests and I don’t want any more dyes and radioactive stuff pumped into my body before I’ve even started radiation treatments. I feel like I’m going to glow in the fucking dark. And who knows what all this is doing to me in the long term.
I know that I should want anything and everything that helps me get better but I’m tired of all this nonsense. I’m tired of being poked and prodded and examined and scanned. I’m five months in and I’m done with all of this. I don’t want any more. I just want this whole nightmare to be over and I’m terrified now that there’ll be more to be terrified of. I’m exhausted and I feel like shit.
You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers. I know what your going through. My cancer has come back in my lymph node in neck, pharnyx and both lungs. I had an appointment last Friday but had to cancel because of the blizzard (Cleveland,OH) and so I got rescheduled for this morning. We got down to the Cleveland Clinic and the nurse said I’d have to reschedule again because the dr. had an emergency surgery. So now I have to go back again next Friday. Like you, I’m soooo tired of all the testing, needles, proding. I just want it over with. And I haven’t even started anything yet! Grrrr….. We’ll get through this together. Keep the faith. {{HUGS}}
(((hugs))) Jeannie. Thank you. You’ve been in my thoughts & prayers as well. We will get through this together. (((more hugs)))
I know I have not had cancer and therefore do not know what you are going through. You know that Debbie has had it four times now. She has gone through some rough stuff with this. Your friend who told you to get angry is right. Use that to fight off this thing. You are one of the strong and most beautiful woman I have ever known in my life.
I am sorry, but no one else matters right now, but you and Chuck. Don’t feel like you are putting your family through anything. They should be there to support you. This is not like you got a tattoo or something that can be frowned upon. You need all the support and love you can get right now. It’s not about anyone else. Please know that you have a wonderful husband who loves you and supports you through thick and thin. I wish you could clone him and send me one…haha!
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you don’t feel good right now. Take it one minute a time if you have to. Hug the kitties and know that there will be moments like this, but there will also be better days.
You can do this. I have faith in you and I love you no matter what. You are amazing and you are incredible. I will call you soon my wonderful friend.
Long distance hugs
Rachel
(((hugs))) Rach. Thanks for the pep talk.
Hi Carol Anne – I’ve been thinking of you and wondering where you where at with the radiation and treatment. I’m sorry that you are going through all of this. It would be easy for me to say to hang in there but I won’t do that. All I can say is that we can only live one day at a time. Mentally we take on so much more than that. One day at a time is a good mantra when I’m overwhelmed. Do your best today and don’t try to do more. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. You are stronger than you know to quote Winnie the Pooh.
Thanks for the encouragement Alice. (((hugs)))
I’d be angry too. Here’s hoping it’s just a little glitch.
Thanks Tom. I hope so too.
sending you loads of hugs (((((HUG)))))) and love XOXOXO. Maybe we should both get together and have a good stiff drink of soda sometime? I am always here for you, and maybe we should lean on each other sometimes? I have made my mother cry countless times including this week because she didn’t like my choices. I will pray that everythink will be ok.
*laughs* How about a good stiff virgin pina colada? You’re in my prayers also.
*hugs* I can’t claim to have any idea of what you are going through, I wish I could be there with you. Of course you’re scared, of course you’ve had enough, but don’t you dare feel guilty. You aren’t putting anyone through anything, you didn’t choose this. You can do it. Just don’t look at it as such a mountain to climb, look at it as one foot after the other.
Thanks SC. (((hugs)))
{{hugs}}
Oh sweetie, my heart aches for you. I have never experienced this, so what can I tell you. I know you have had enough, but although those around suffer with you, if you were to give up, you would really make them cry. You must be strong for them. Today is a tough day, tomorrow you will think more clearly. Good God, of course you are tired and depressed. It’s a real battle you are having. A big hug to you.
Sandy, these are older blogs. I was just trying to help you catch up. (((hugs))) Thank you for reading.