365 Days of Carol Anne (Learning to Love Myself)

Day 18

It’s day 18 of my quest to learn to better love myself and 3 days until my appointment with the neurosurgeon. This is where the serious talk about radiation and cancer treatments will begin. This is where I’ll find out if the blood clot is gone or if I’ll have to continue taking blood thinners and giving myself a shot twice a day. I’m so nervous. There are days when I just believe this is where I am in my life. I can’t believe I’m living this. I’m consumed with fear tonight. I was alright all day but as the day wore on the thought of having to discuss cancer treatments and making appointments with oncologists just overwhelmed me. I don’t know where we go from here. I can’t see me being any calmer as this week wears on. I’m torn between hoping for a blizzard on Friday so I don’t have to go and wishing my appointment was tomorrow so I could just get it over with.

I know there’s no sense in worrying. It’s not as though I can just decide not to have the radiation. This is going to happen no matter what so I’d be better off just taking a deep breath and dealing with it. I know that I am not the one in control and that I should just let go and be brave but I’m terrified. When I think of things upcoming I wonder if I’ll be able to be there. I wonder if I’ll be well. I wonder how long I’ll have to have radiation. I wonder if there’ll be chemo too or if radiation will be enough. I’m scared of the side effects of radiation and even more terrified of the effects of chemo. Up until Dr. Matthews (plastic surgeon) cleared me for radiation these were only thoughts briefly floating by in my head. None of this was concrete because I was not yet cleared for radiation. Now that it’s upon me I have moments when I can barely breath from the fear.