I really hope my blogs don’t come off as whiny. (not that I can’t be a whiny bitch from time to time) I’m writing to express myself and perhaps put out there that which unfortunately lives in my head. I also hope that maybe someone who’s going through similar circumstances will benefit from reading. You know you always read about these fantastic people who fight so bravely and go on with daily life as though nothing has happened. Not everybody can do that. Certainly I can’t. I have moments where I’m not sure if I’m terrified or just sad.
You see these beautiful women who’ve lost their hair to breast cancer, they’re all dressed up and have makeup on and they’re just radiant with hope and faith and gratitude. They amaze me. I get out of bed and take a shower every day because my parents are coming or because I have a doctor’s appointment but most of all because it gives me some structure to follow some sort of a schedule every day. I don’t know how they do it. I have moments when all I can think is, “I’ll never be pretty again.”
When it comes right down to it I have no right to feel sorry for myself. (pity party, party of 1 your table’s ready) I’m so fortunate to be alive. God willing the radiation will get the cancer that was not removed during surgery and I’ll go on with my life and the worst it’ll mean for me is I’ll be bald. My real hair was never really nice to begin with.
Please don’t write me off as whiny or weak. In real life I’m neither. Right now I’m feeling small, lesser, I’m afraid. I’ll work on feeling sorry for myself. I hope you’ll keep reading while I do.
~ Carol Anne