The Spinning Wheel of Pills & Doom

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time to play The Spinning Wheel of Pills and Doom! The only game show that starts with pills and ends with DOOM! Step on up and spin the wheel and see what hand the universe deals ya.

We literally played roulette with his life.

Round and round it goes, where it stops… Nobody Knows!

Oh hey! First game up for Contestant #1 is everyone’s favorite, The Spinning Wheel of Clinical Trial Madness. Oh, that’s some bad luck right there, son, it landed on black 13, the most experimental of all the clinical trial drugs.

We were less than happy with our spin on the wheel, it was like winning a lifetime supply of Uncle Ben’s on The Price is Right. No super deluxe washer and dryer for us. No magic pills either.

Come on son, you gotta be in it to win it! Look! It’s March 17th, the luckiest day of the year. We like your odds. Oh, but wait, your hand is a bust, your scratch-off rubby reveals your tumors have grown two to three times in size, but that’s okay, we’ve spun the wheel for you and oh, oops, we landed you in the insurance escape room, but just for playing we have these super non-effective pills you’ll have to take until you can escape the insurance escape room of horrors and the insurance company lets you spin the Spinning Wheel of Pills and Doom again.

Oh, and these pills? They are going to make you uber sick while doing nothing to stop the cancer from growing.

We waited and we hoped the wheel would turn our way.

Hey! Welcome back to the show! We’re so glad you made it out of the insurance escape room portion of the game.

Yup! We called it, those last pills didn’t do a damn thing.

Oh, hey! Wait! Don’t quit now, all your phone-a-friend friends are still out there and now we have this magic potion for you to try. Oh, but, wait, what was that in the fine print? No, the magic potion doesn’t grow magic beanstalks, but it will help you feel better and get a few deceptively good months in. Oh, but you didn’t read the teeny, tiny, print at the very bottom of your contract. You’ll feel better and the tumors will grow at a slower pace, but so will all the new tumors that have now joined the game.

I was sure the magic potion was our miracle drug, the ugly bitch Hope moved into my head during the wonderful days.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Round 4!

Yeah, that magic potion wasn’t so magic after all. But, hey! Here are some more pills for you.

Buzzer sound!

We’re very sorry, time is up and there are no more pills. You’ve lost the Spinning Wheel of Pills and Doom.

Thanks for playing, we have this nice light blue coffin as your consolation prize.

Tune in tomorrow at the same ghoulish time, on the same ghoulish channel.


Would I have loved you anyway?

Would I have loved you anyway if I knew it would end this way?

Would I have run so hard to you?

Would I have loved you so fearlessly?

If I had known it would end like this would I have kissed you with my eyes closed so tight?

Would I have believed it even if a gypsy told me it would end this way?

Would I have loved you so fearlessly without reservation?

Would I have given myself to you so freely?

Would I have?  What would I have done?

Would I have risked this ache? This loss?

Would it have been easier to quit before the game began?

          I always believed my soul would know your soul no matter how dark it was or how far away. I don’t know if I believe that now.

where are you?

Would the loss have been less profound if I knew the endgame upfront?

                Would I have put my pieces on the board?

                                Would I have suited up and gotten in the game?

I wonder, would I have longed for your presence? Your warm light?

Would I have ached for your blessing?

                Would I have missed your smile?

                                What if we never met?

                                                What if I hadn’t dove in with such total abandon?


I don’t know. I want to believe I’d be all ride or die with you by my side, but I don’t know…

                                                Would I have chosen the path of 20 good years together or would I have taken an unknowable path? Rolling the dice, hoping all paths don’t lead to loss and sorrow?

Is loving fearlessly a direct path to sorrow?

I don’t know. I don’t have any answers. The one true thing I can tell you is this,

I didn’t fear love when I said, I do and signed on the dotted line to be there until the end…


Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Suspicious Platitudes 


If you’re looking for a way to make me angry all you have to do is utter these five words, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I’m talking, STARK, RAVING, FUCKING MAD, kind of angry.

You do not get to collect $200, you do not get to pass GO, and you definitely don’t get to buy any properties on Boardwalk or Park Place if you look at me with those sad, sad eyes and tilted head while you say to me, EVERYTHING H APPENS FOR A REASON.

I want to yell, and scream, and ask, what fucking reason could there be for us both to get cancer, and what possible reason could there be for me to get it twice? What possible reason could there be for Chuck to die? What was he? Some kind of sacrificial fucking lamb? Are you out of your fucking mind? What the hell is wrong with you?


In quiet moments, the thought does creep into my battered brain, that cancer and grief actually did make me a better person. My friend Angel says, the universe tosses pebbles; then, if you don’t notice the pebbles it throws rocks then finally boulders if it hasn’t gotten your attention yet.

A whole freaking avalanche had to fall on me for me to finally notice and see myself. A myself, I really love. It took digging out from under the pebbles, and rocks, and boulders, and icy, cold snow, and rubble of the disastrous turn my life took, for me to acknowledge and accept my own self-worth. So, I guess EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON.


You, yes, you, there in the back, with the sad, sad, eyes, goofy smile and tilted head; if you tell me, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, I will still shout obscenities and throw plates at you. You’ve been warned.