On Faith…

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Author’s Note

I’ve been thinking about faith a lot in the past few years. I spent hours last night working on a piece. This is not that piece. This is an anaphora poem from tonight’s first Unspoken Ink prompt.  Poetry is not my genre either, so I’m all sorts of out of my comfort zone in tonight’s writings.

I figure if I keep thinking and writing I will eventually get my head, my heart, and my soul right.

On Faith

Faith is belief in things unseen.

Faith is believing you don’t have to go through this alone.

Faith is knowing he will raise you up on the last day.

Faith is wondering where he is during the fall.

Faith is hoping like hell that’s a ball pit down there while you’re falling.

Faith is swimming against the current when your arms gave out ten miles ago.

Faith is knowing with every fiber of your being that going to find the shore.

Faith is making it to shore and having no idea where to go next or how to get there.

Faith is lighting smoke signals every day in the hopes you will be found.

Faith is continuing on barefoot and alone.

Faith is continuing to walk even though you don’t know the way.

Faith is wondering who crashed the plane and if the pilot survived.

Faith is wondering where he is.

Faith is lighting another Goddamn smoke signal fire.

Faith is knowing a rescue (answers) may never come but walking on and lighting fires anyway, because you have faith there will come a road that will lead you home.

Faith is belief in things unseen.

The Space Between Memories (Where grief lives)

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Author’s Note

The thing they don’t tell you about death and grieving is, you don’t just say goodbye once. You say goodbye at the hospital or hospice or wherever you are, you say goodbye when you leave the first viewing of the body at the funeral home, the night of the wake, the afternoon of the burial, the day you get up the courage and emotional wherewithal to donate his clothes, and a million other moments that you never understood were goodbyes until you’ve lost the one you love.

The Space Between Memories

What kind of life goes on in the space between memories? It’s the life where you do the work of living. It’s where you do the heavy lifting and the keepin’ on with the keepin’ on.

    Yesterday, I heard you say, “Made me laugh so hard” in that laughing tone your voice went to when you told me about something that amused you. It was so real it took my breath away. I turned to look for you, but you weren’t there.

I can’t get the memories of that last day out of my head and yet I make new memories, choose joy, question the will of God, and I live on, in the space between memories.

Today, I had all the papers you left behind shredded. I couldn’t complete the mission on my own so I called a mobile shredding truck to come finish the job. Twenty years of old bills, cancelled checks, pay stubs, and tax returns reduced to thousands of pieces of ephemera in a pile of trash bags that were gone in an instant. The house somehow feels emptier today. I didn’t expect that.

Through all these months of trying to shred it all myself, I cursed you, and yelled at you, I told you, “If you weren’t already dead, I’d kill you my damn self for leaving me with all this work.” I never expected to find myself standing on the driveway crying as the truck carrying the space between our memories drove away.

Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Suspicious Platitudes 

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If you’re looking for a way to make me angry all you have to do is utter these five words, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I’m talking, STARK, RAVING, FUCKING MAD, kind of angry.

You do not get to collect $200, you do not get to pass GO, and you definitely don’t get to buy any properties on Boardwalk or Park Place if you look at me with those sad, sad eyes and tilted head while you say to me, EVERYTHING H APPENS FOR A REASON.

I want to yell, and scream, and ask, what fucking reason could there be for us both to get cancer, and what possible reason could there be for me to get it twice? What possible reason could there be for Chuck to die? What was he? Some kind of sacrificial fucking lamb? Are you out of your fucking mind? What the hell is wrong with you?

                           But…

In quiet moments, the thought does creep into my battered brain, that cancer and grief actually did make me a better person. My friend Angel says, the universe tosses pebbles; then, if you don’t notice the pebbles it throws rocks then finally boulders if it hasn’t gotten your attention yet.

A whole freaking avalanche had to fall on me for me to finally notice and see myself. A myself, I really love. It took digging out from under the pebbles, and rocks, and boulders, and icy, cold snow, and rubble of the disastrous turn my life took, for me to acknowledge and accept my own self-worth. So, I guess EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON.

                                       But…

You, yes, you, there in the back, with the sad, sad, eyes, goofy smile and tilted head; if you tell me, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, I will still shout obscenities and throw plates at you. You’ve been warned.

S C A N X I E T Y ! ! !

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From tonight’s Lacuna Loft Unspoken Ink session…

 

Totally not me

 

In my head I hear cheerleaders shouting,

S  U  C  C  E  S  S !

That’s the way we spell success!

 

 

S C A N X I E T Y !

That’s the way we spell scanxiety!

 

Wait! So, is this Bring it On for cancer survivors? Am I Big Red, all bossy and bitchy in charge of being bossy and bitchy?

 

Another MRI? Again? Already? I just washed my big girl Spanx from the last MRI. I don’t think I even took my pom poms out of the car yet. Oh well, guess I’ll just leave them there now. Do I remember how to cradle out of the pyramid? Who thought stunts were a good idea for the chick with the fragile Frankenstein head? Don’t they know how hard it is to keep a wig on during cartwheels? S C A N X I E TY! If you can’t beat it you may as well cheer about it.

 

 

 

Wrapping Up the Saga of the Rosary

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Okay, so it’s time to wrap up the whole rosary saga. The floral rosary from my husband’s casket that I sent away to be turned into silk flowers finally arrived on Tuesday morning, four months and one day after I’d mailed them in and three months and ten days since my check was cashed. Along with the silk flower rosary I’d also paid for a handheld rosary that I could pray. The handheld rosary was not in the package with the floral rosary so I called the company and spoke to the woman who had been helping me finally get the silk rosary delivered to my house. She expressed disappointment that I had not received the handheld rosary and told me it would be mailed that day. I didn’t make a big deal of it with her and I didn’t mention it on social media because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful for all the effort people went to helping me get the rosary from Chuck’s casket. And, if I’m being truthful, I really didn’t care if it ever arrived, it was only $5 and it wasn’t tied to Chuck in any way, but when my contact at the company told me there was no tracking number because it had not been sent out yet I was really angry and ready to go as many rounds as I would have needed to get the handheld rosary. I just cannot understand the continued lying or misinformation.

 

It arrived today and is actually beautiful, but I just cannot wrap my head around why this company, who I would assume regularly deals with grieving family members, continues to either outright lie or just tell people what they think they want to hear rather than offering truthful explanations and providing honest timelines. If at any point during all of this someone at the company had bothered to return my phone calls and explained they were either swamped with more work than they could handle or were having processing or shipping problems and that I would just need to be patient I would have been understanding and patient. But, leaving a grieving widow without answers and leaving her to wonder if she’ll ever see the rosary again is just wrong and I can’t abide by that. I called in either late June or early July and that person told me they would call me back to tell me where the rosary was in the process, but never did. The first person I spoke to in early August told me, yes, I see your last name on the caller id and I know your rosary went out in the shipment on Friday, August 3. The second person I spoke to that same week promised to call me back with whatever information she could come up with after telling me there was no tracking number because they send packages via UPS and then it’s just gone. I left a voicemail the afternoon of Friday, August 10 to which no one has ever replied, nor has anyone replied to the email I sent on the evening of Friday, August 10 with a link to my original blog post.

 

I called Monday, August 13 and finally spoke to someone helpful, but I refused to allow her to call me back so I sat on hold for a short while only to find out the rosary had just come back ((I never did ask from where) and would be mailed out that day. So why for a full week did the company allow me to believe the rosary had been mailed out and that no one knew where it was and there was no way to track it? I really don’t understand why a company who deals with grieving loved ones would offer such lousy customer service? You would think they would want to treat the grieving, who are full of raw nerves and emotion, with sensitivity and understanding. I don’t know why this company continues to operate in complete disorganization or continues to lie to the grieving, but I’m grateful to not have to ever deal with them again. If it came down to it, I would dry the flowers in the original rosary or do without rather than ever send something so meaningful and precious to this company again. I could not deal with extraordinary mental and physical stress this whole saga caused.

 

If you ever find yourself in the heartbreaking position of having lost and buried a loved one I strongly suggest looking for a local florist who provides this service because I do not think the grieving should have to deal with what I can only suppose is a disorganized and possibly overwhelmed with work company who refuses to take the time to call customers back or reply to email.

 

I’m so grateful to the family and friends with connections in the USPS and UPS and the wonderful funeral director who jumped in to help me finally get the rosary home. Their help prevented me from having an actual nervous breakdown.

 

I’m still not going to share the name of the company. I don’t believe they are evil or trying to scam the grieving. I honestly believe they just can’t get their stuff together. Both rosaries are here and I’m no longer an emotional and physical wreck.  Thank you to all who jumped in to help and to all who offered emotional support, you really did keep me from having an actual breakdown.