Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time to play The Spinning Wheel of Pills and Doom! The only game show that starts with pills and ends with DOOM! Step on up and spin the wheel and see what hand the universe deals ya.
We literally played roulette with his life.
Round and round it goes, where it stops… Nobody Knows!
Oh hey! First game up for Contestant #1 is everyone’s favorite, The Spinning Wheel of Clinical Trial Madness. Oh, that’s some bad luck right there, son, it landed on black 13, the most experimental of all the clinical trial drugs.
We were less than happy with our spin on the wheel, it was like winning a lifetime supply of Uncle Ben’s on The Price is Right. No super deluxe washer and dryer for us. No magic pills either.
Come on son, you gotta be in it to win it! Look! It’s March 17th, the luckiest day of the year. We like your odds. Oh, but wait, your hand is a bust, your scratch-off rubby reveals your tumors have grown two to three times in size, but that’s okay, we’ve spun the wheel for you and oh, oops, we landed you in the insurance escape room, but just for playing we have these super non-effective pills you’ll have to take until you can escape the insurance escape room of horrors and the insurance company lets you spin the Spinning Wheel of Pills and Doom again.
Oh, and these pills? They are going to make you uber sick while doing nothing to stop the cancer from growing.
We waited and we hoped the wheel would turn our way.
Hey! Welcome back to the show! We’re so glad you made it out of the insurance escape room portion of the game.
Yup! We called it, those last pills didn’t do a damn thing.
Oh, hey! Wait! Don’t quit now, all your phone-a-friend friends are still out there and now we have this magic potion for you to try. Oh, but, wait, what was that in the fine print? No, the magic potion doesn’t grow magic beanstalks, but it will help you feel better and get a few deceptively good months in. Oh, but you didn’t read the teeny, tiny, print at the very bottom of your contract. You’ll feel better and the tumors will grow at a slower pace, but so will all the new tumors that have now joined the game.
I was sure the magic potion was our miracle drug, the ugly bitch Hope moved into my head during the wonderful days.
Ding! Ding! Ding! Round 4!
Yeah, that magic potion wasn’t so magic after all. But, hey! Here are some more pills for you.
We’re very sorry, time is up and there are no more pills. You’ve lost the Spinning Wheel of Pills and Doom.
Thanks for playing, we have this nice light blue coffin as your consolation prize.
Tune in tomorrow at the same ghoulish time, on the same ghoulish channel.